Anxiety’s Reign

You know how this starts out… “It’s a beautiful day, the sun is shining…”, Positivity. Super positive vibes. Well, honestly? That’s not how I feel. A tight feeling in my chest, my heart, beating ever so loudly and my brain, not turning off. When will this be better? When will I find answers to my questions? I don’t know. I feel pretty dumb just writing this. I’m sitting outside on our patio and there’s so much uncertainty in my mind. How can I afford to buy anything? How can I handle this? I feel like i’m on the verge of panic. I feel like the walls are closing around me and I am trapped without a way out. There are way too many questions. No answers. I can’t even hold a proper conversation right now without freaking out. I feel victimized. I feel like a game of cat and mouse was played and I definitely, I most definitely lost. I didn’t think my health problems would become so persistent with a very unfavourable outcome: Losing my job. I feel wronged. I feel confused.

I..should..know..better. I should have known better than to trust someone who was clearly not working in my favour .

You know what i’ve done the past few days? I’ve slept. I have slept so much. I didn’t think I was capable of it. I don’t know if it’s my medication, or if i’m just depressed. I’m 30 next year…and what have I got to show for it? Nothing.