I was so excited for my job, picking up where I left off and continuing to share my passion of all things art with customers. It’s a complete joy for me. My previous location with this same company, the lighting was excellent: round bulbs mostly of the halogen variety lining the aisles. This time, i’m exposed to fluorescent lighting in a wiry cage. I so badly want to be able to carry out the tasks required of me but it’s incredibly difficult when I am exposed to something so sickening, both mentally and physically. I am trying so hard to pull through but I just don’t know what to do. The depression and the anxiety set in real deep and I am beginning to feel like there’s nothing I can do anymore.
I’m tired. I’m full of anguish. I feel defeated and unreliable.
This week was particularly rough on me. The hours were long and my patience was waning. I don’t think people can understand what it’s like to have an Autistic Shutdown unless they’ve been there before. I am incredibly thankful to my partners at work who were supportive and modified my tasks to make them easier for me to handle. The positive affirmation and kindness goes a very long way and I am grateful.
I have a very long to do list and tackling it will be a challenge. I have today and the next three days off so there is time for contemplation, cleaning and mentally delegating tasks to where it becomes manageable. I often wonder what it would be like to have an active social life and friends but part of me feels like my Cats and my Boyfriend (oh, and family, of course) are more than enough for me.
I find long messages intimidating and I have to be in the right head space to handle it. That’s not to say I can’t respond, I just have to find the correct mental state to breathe deeply and think rationally. Most of the time my thinking is quite abstract and lately I’ve wanted to put my pens to paper and just release the subconscious, colourful flow.
There are parts of me that feel invisible and parts of me that stick out like a sore thumb. I’m a Libra, dammit! Where’s my balance?