I am Colour.

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Yes, I will admit it: I am Weird.

I believe I have embraced this as my identity in a very subconscious way. I have no fear when it comes to expressing myself and I don’t think I ever did.

Anxiety is also a big part of who I am. It sometimes forces me to freeze and feel very weak-minded. It takes over me. I sweat profusely, I get heart palpitations, I just want to run and cower. It even can prompt me to sleep a whole lot.

Art is something that can help calm me right down, it is my soul doing the talking. It is an everlasting moment of freedom. I can look at my Art and think “I made that?”. It can be incredibly hard to believe.

I have hopes and dreams with it. Literal “close-my-eyes-and-fall-asleep” dreams. I see myself in the heart of a big city with my art in a gallery. I know it can be considered low brow and heck, I know there’s people who don’t like it and who could truly care less about me. I still have this dream.

“It’s too small. It should be bigger!”

“I can’t be your friend because I can’t stand your Art.”

“Your art is ugly.”

Tell me this. Tell me this over and over and over and over again. Please.

Why? Get your negative thoughts out, it’s good for you.

But for me?

I’ll keep creating.

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Love,

Margaux

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I made it through.

This week was particularly rough on me. The hours were long and my patience was waning. I don’t think people can understand what it’s like to have an Autistic Shutdown unless they’ve been there before. I am incredibly thankful to my partners at work who were supportive and modified my tasks to make them easier for me to handle. The positive affirmation and kindness goes a very long way and I am grateful.

I have a very long to do list and tackling it will be a challenge. I have today and the next three days off so there is time for contemplation, cleaning and mentally delegating tasks to where it becomes manageable. I often wonder what it would be like to have an active social life and friends but part of me feels like my Cats and my Boyfriend (oh, and family, of course) are more than enough for me.

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I find long messages intimidating and I have to be in the right head space to handle it. That’s not to say I can’t respond, I just have to find the correct mental state to breathe deeply and think rationally. Most of the time my thinking is quite abstract and lately I’ve wanted to put my pens to paper and just release the subconscious, colourful flow.

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There are parts of me that feel invisible and parts of me that stick out like a sore thumb. I’m a Libra, dammit! Where’s my balance?

Margaux