Reliving my (painful) past

I want to preface this post by saying that these are things i’ve experienced and at the time of writing this, I do not have a PTSD diagnosis. I, in no way, want to make those with a proper diagnosis feel less than or devalued in any way.

Often times I find myself in these dizzying spells with negative thoughts running rampant. They flood my mind: terrible, painful memories that I wish would vanish.

Discovering deceased pets, multiple instances of being bullied which included: thumbtacks, sharp side up- They would be left on my chair with an audience that consisted of my entire class, watching and waiting to see if I would notice and sit on it, purposely having dodgeballs thrown at my face, having friends-of-friends find out personal details about me and they would attempt to humiliate and berate me based on it, being excluded from birthday parties, having the whole class turn against me while the teacher was out of the room – that’s just some of the bullying that occurred during my elementary school years. Can’t forget the workplace bullying with all kinds of instances that included customers yelling at me, management making me cry or not believing things I say (I am very honest) and being fired – which was one of the most humiliating things i’ve ever lived through, co-workers being nasty to me for reasons i’ll never know.

I also can’t forget all the things my Father did: the daily verbal abuse, screaming so loud that you could hear him down the block, chasing me to my bedroom and holding the door closed so I couldn’t leave, yelling at me for questioning things he said and having friends witness his emotionally destructive behaviour which was embarrassing and continued to pile the stress on top of me. 

This is just a small portion of the hundreds, maybe thousands of memories that flow through my mind.

Even though I had the support of my Sisters and my Mum, I still felt so alone and depressed. I didn’t think I would survive so I failed to look after myself. I think sadness was one of the first emotions I remember experiencing.

I want these painful memories to subside. Easier said than done. I can’t seem to shake off things that happened as far back as I can remember. 

People often say things like “Forgive and forget”, “don’t dwell on your past”, “move on” and “live in the present”. It’s NOT THAT EASY. Diminishing the valid feelings of those who often have to suffer in silence is not something that sits well with me. It’s hard enough to allow those feelings to come to the surface, let alone feel comfortable enough with anyone to actually allow the words of pain to flow out of ones mouth. It’s a PRIVILEGE to listen to such agony. I don’t think it’s okay to interject comments telling someone to forget, move on and live in the present. It makes things worse.

I have reached out to some people that have caused me pain and forever haunt me in my memories and I was unsuccessful. I also was left feeling as though what happened was my fault. I do my best to cope.

Forgiveness is so much harder than its made out to be and it has stages that are very similar to grief. I would say that one of my biggest faults or personality flaws would be the severity of my anxiety. Many thoughts continue to haunt me, not only during my waking hours but even during my sleep.

I’m talking about those nights where my mind and my heart feel like they are racing in unison.

Trying to fall asleep, I toss and turn. Sometimes, I wake up at 3am and lay there, trying so hard to go back and sleep peacefully when my mind is at war with it’s self. My body becomes warm, clammy and my night sweats are the worst. I try to find something to think about or something to do. If one of my cats happens to be awake I will gravitate towards them; their soft hair, their therapeutic purring – it helps me stay mindful, it’s calming, it puts me at ease.

Every day is a new chapter but my story starts with pain and my book is still being written. There’s still a chance for happiness.


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My Rescue Cats

BuddyIt’s funny—I’ve always had the softest spot for animals in my heart. Growing up, our house was chaotic and full of different kinds. We had Birds – large and small, Dogs and Cats. They were always so comforting to me. Back then, I was bullied a lot. I didn’t have many friends or people I could confide in. I remember crying in my bedroom and just talking to one of our dogs. I always felt so comforted by the soft, cuddly, non-judgemental soul staring back at me, wanting affection and giving it right back to me.

I never, ever took their love for granted. Never. I had been mentally drained by all the negative energy surrounding me on a daily basis and felt lucky I at least had them.

Now, as a 29 year old adult, I feel as though my calling is having these beautiful, golden babies in my life. Buddy is five years old and we adopted him two years ago. His previous owner said he was too loud at night and gave him up. He is the sweetest, kindest and most precious Cat i’ve ever met. He gives me endless head-butts and really enjoys his catnip. He chose Justin (my significant other) at the BCSPCA by reaching his paw out for him when we visited. We couldn’t stop thinking about him and he’s ridiculously spoiled.

Ruby, our beautiful new baby. We got her just yesterday and she is a very scared little girl. She is a doll, just over a year old and needs her time to flourish and become more confident. If anything, she’s teaching me so much already and in many ways, I feel like I understand her a lot. I know what it’s like to be scared of new surroundings, to have to take your time, to not really like being touched all the time and having to do things at a pace that’s just right.

Buddy is taken with her. Their meeting was amazing. He sniffed her and no claws came out, no hissing happened and he’s even already groomed her a few times.

I’m excited to see what will happen over time and I can’t wait to see them bond and become inseparable. We are SO lucky to have them both in our lives and I continue to feel like my heart is whole.