Too much pressure.

Photo by Caique Silva on Pexels.com

Please don’t mistake me or try to make me

The shadow of anybody else

I ain’t the him or her you think I am

I’m just trying hard to be myself

Oh, society’s goal is to be part of the whole

That may sound good to you, not to me

The Turtles, Let Me Be

All I wanted was the ability to share my art with the world…. and it has turned in to half disaster, half success.

I don’t know how i’m supposed to handle it.

For a bit of a backstory, I posted some of my cat themed art in to some various cat facebook groups. Some were more receptive than others, some banned me for accidentally violating their rules (even though I had made a google docs with the different groups and varying rules), and my facebook exploded. Messages, friends requests, a lot were welcomed with open arms but it was non stop and very anxiety inducing. I already have very, very bad anxiety but this actually made it a lot worse.

I ended up making my own group, Nice Cats for Nice People. We actually welcome those who are Neurodiverse, who want to share their cat-related art and etsy store and try to adhere to less stringent rules.


I then had people writing me, telling me how they thought I was violating (cat facebook group) rules and giving me feedback I didn’t ask for, which made me even more agitated. I can’t tell you how many new people i’ve had to cut ties with. It just hasn’t been healthy for me.

Yesterday, I was in the car, traveling to go to a concert and I cried. I flailed my hands for a short few seconds. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t want to do anything but go back home, miss the concert and weep in bed. This was after a few people decided to tell me that I was oversharing the negative messages I was receiving on my facebook page and some of the private messages sent to me seemed to have a good intention but had a lot of unwanted, “real” or “brutally honest” advice that I didn’t ask for. I was already on the brink of an emotional collapse and that sent me over the edge.

There have been incredibly positive people and really negative people.

There’s also those who don’t understand:

There’s even people who believe it’s okay to tell me that I clearly have issues after i’ve made it incredibly clear that I suffer from mental illness, which is intertwined with being Autistic.

Being Autistic is not an excuse, It’s a NEUROTYPE! It’s part of who I am and why I behave the way I do. I honestly can’t even believe I have to justify myself to anybody but I have to write this because these things keep happening to me over and over again. I also had to reiterate that my artwork and my Autism are very much hand-in-hand and that I utilize my art to talk about Autism and vice versa. I have HUNDREDS of pieces i’ve art that i’ve painted. I’m not new to this at all. I have been making art my entire life.

There was a time where I really only worked intuitively and for myself, as a way to relax and unwind. When people can’t understand why a pet portrait costs 150.00 USD, I don’t really know what to say without sounding really upset and hurt. It’s a lot to take the personality of someone’s cat and turn that in to my own style. If i’m working intuitively, I don’t think. I don’t need to plan the way something looks, copy features and make it look like someone’s best friend. Getting the features right and the art completely perfect puts so much pressure on me to appease my customer. I’m almost at the point where I have to set my price at something that aligns with my thoughts of “how much would it take for me to drag my ass out of bed and paint something for someone else?” Honestly, I don’t even know what that price would be.

I even made an FAQ because I kept getting asked questions over and over again.

My brain is not only wired differently due to the fact that I am Autistic, but my chronic depression, anxiety and poor coping methods are linked to the fact that I spent 15 years or so being verbally and emotionally abused by my father…EVERY SINGLE DAY. Add that to the childhood bullying and ostracization from my peers at school and you have a brain that suffered from a lot of trauma during it’s most vital developmental years. I also hear that if you’re removed from your mother immediately after birth, which I was, that can also lead to developmental issues. I also am learning disabled. I never graduated, I got my GED instead.

I really want those reading this to understand a few things so i’m linking them below.

I hope this provided insight in to just some of the things I am struggling with. Please be kind.

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Raising Funds & Selling Art!

Hi Everyone, I don’t ever mean to neglect my blog but i’ve had a lot going on. I had to have a heart rate monitor on for 24 hours, so that made me feel like I couldn’t get anything done. I also did a commission for a lady of her cat in a cup, so that felt exceptionally special to do.

I’ve been moody, as usual and I was considering a neurodiverse job placement agency which now seems to have undertones of being a bit scammy, as well as being involved in receiving funding from a local Autism organization that I have spoken out in the past.

So, obviously I need income – and so many people keep telling me to list my Cats in a Cup artwork on Etsy. Etsy, overall, hasn’t been to kind to me. In the long span of having it, i’ve only made 2 sales.

I listed this piece of art here: https://www.etsy.com/ca/listing/710064441/calico-cat-in-a-tea-cup-original-art-by?ref=shop_home_active_1&frs=1

and I realize that yes, it’s 150 dollars. But you must understand why:

  1. The Etsy fees
  2. The Paypal fees
  3. Shipping + handling, this includes the cost for packaging the item + the shipping
  4. Donating a portion of the proceeds
  5. The cost of supplies
  6. My labour

As an Artist, it’s really hard to make a sale. It’s really hard to find places to actually sell my art and as i’ve said in the past, rejection is really exhausting.

So, if you see this piece of art and might like it, or know someone who does, please share my etsy link with them! Thanks so much.

September 1st: New art!

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-Margaux

Evolving, slowly.

I’ve been working on new patterns while we wait for our fabric tags for retrophiliac and co.

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I am very anxious and I have been really internalizing my stress. I’m trying not to, but my appetite is gone and my sleep patterns are all screwed up. I’m napping a lot and I haven’t gone outside as much as I should.

I’m going through a dramatic change. I have a job interview next week and I am crossing my fingers that I get it. It’s something i’ve done before and loved immensely. It’s also walking distance from where I am staying and right down the street from where my sister works.

Making friends or having a social life and getting involved in things that this city has to offer is something I would like to do a lot more of. I feel incredibly lucky to be back here, surrounded by family. I never felt like I spent enough time with them.

Please bear with me. I am growing as a person!

-Margaux

Big Changes in my life.

I have been hyper focused on creating my “Retrophiliac & Co.” Product line with my Mum. I also quit my job and moved to Vancouver. I’m currently sleeping on a couch and living between my Mum’s & my older Sister’s place. I do have to say, i’m happier.

 

This is more information on what we’re working on, I would love for you to share & if you’d like, pre-order.

Retrophiliac & Co. Preorder!

 

Thank you! Would love to hear from you.

 

-Margaux

2 NEW Videos!

Sewing!

With the help of my Mother and youtube, I have been taking up sewing. I’m a complete amateur with a whole lot to learn but my ideas are, quite literally, BURSTING-AT-THE-SEAMS! I purchased a Brother sewing machine a while back from Costco and dug up some thrifted zippers out of storage. I got some placemats and fabric from thrift stores and thread from Walmart! I also got some raw canvas from DeSerres and here’s what i’ve made so far.

I’ve been told that inserting zippers is the hardest part, but honestly – it’s been the easiest! I definitely need to get some Fray-stop, some D rings, more zippers, some wonder clips and a rotary cutter. I’m trying to keep it all organized and put together. It’s really fun being able to combine my art with sewing. IMG_0248.jpeg

I also happen to have a pretty cute audience too!

-Margaux