It’s a mood, for sure.

Trying to see through the thick cloud of anxiety and depression is no easy task. It’s a huge, huge burden to bare. The flashbacks have become more repetitive, they feel deeper. Each time I fail, I feel those traumatic events seeping back in and filling those gaps where hope once was. It is a situation full of despair.

I’m so lucky to have these cute, silly beings in my life though. They make it all worth it.

I should be happy or at the very least feeling fine. I think part of the disappointment is due to the fact that I really thought the article on The Mighty would perform better. I thought it would drive people to my website and to my shop, but the views and interactions have been fairly dismal.

The hits on my Etsy shop have totally decreased too. I heard there’s something going on with an algorithm to do with the people that don’t have free shipping or don’t offer it on all their listings. It’s making them less visible. I know for me that when i sell original pieces, shipping is included. It’s everything that’s made by a 3rd party that has shipping separately.

I also should be pleased with myself about having my speech coming up later this week and being approved to be a consultant about issues surrounding mental health and Autism–and yes, I am looking forward to creating change, but i’m also the poster child for those issues. So, I guess in a roundabout kind of way, i’m going to really be able to reflect on my experiences and create change. That’s the silver lining.

I wanted to share some images that my customers have shared with me, which is pictures of their purchases from my etsy shop. This helps keep me going, but sales in the last while have been so dismal. I’m also upset because the way advertising works on etsy is that I paid 4.80 American to get one person to click on one item that they didn’t even buy. So frustrating. I’ve heard better things about facebook ads but i’m just not even sure how to go about it. Seems when I talk about business, there’s people that genuinely want to help and then there’s people who poach on my lack of experience and try to manipulate me to pay them. I guess that’s another business strategy–but it’s one that I don’t want anything to do with.

If I can bring joy to others, even though i’m suffering, well.. I think that’s a way to turn something negative in to something positive.

I tried creating a new plaque that says “cats make life purrfect” but the cats I drew look terrible. The two wood signs I was happy about completing, haven’t really seen much traffic either. I thought they’d be a bigger hit.

My holiday cards are also still up for pre-ordering at a reduced rate. Hoping to have my hands on those the 3rd week of October, ready for shipping.

Greta Thunberg, a climate change activist and fellow Autistic has been taking quite a beating online. It really upsets me that people say such horrible things about her. I think politics are a main driving factor for people to be so hateful in this world. I tweeted about the honesty of Autistic people and how we’re fact based and it definitely goes for her too. Actually, this quote of mine says it all:

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New ABOUT ME video!

I’m honestly not sure if my microphone even worked, it was plugged in.. Hopefully the sound is okay for my viewers!

 

Constantly Changing

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I’m still heeeeeerreee guys!

Yes, I coloured my hair. Originally I wanted to try to match my dark brown roots but nope, the box colour was actually black. That’s okay though! I think it suits me. I also chopped my bangs. I have a few stray hairs and my fringe isn’t totally straight. I’m always doing something new and I get bored of how I look quite often.

We saw Bohemian Rhapsody and it was such an enjoyable film. I loved the story, the music and also all the cats. I’m almost certain Rami Malek is going to get some nominations – he was incredible.

I was interviewed by the sensory matters podcast and it should go live at the very end of the year/beginning of next year. I will post a reminder.

BONUS – Cute pictures of my cats!

I’m Childfree.

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When I was younger, other kids would play with dolls. I didn’t care for them. I had no instinct to play with toys that were reminiscent of future motherhood. I preferred hot wheels, crazy bones, reading books and once in a while I pulled the heads off my sisters Barbie dolls. When I got older, Pokemon was all the rage and you’d often find me on my lime green game boy colour. The motherly instinct never arrived and I was completely fine by that.


I was with my family at an outdoor square yesterday and as everyone was conversing, there was this lady with her crying infant. The screams tore through me like the feeling of walking on shards of glass. It was immensely painful to listen to. I couldn’t take the shrill, repetitive noises. I felt just as though I was going to get the worst migraine ever. I started feeling anxious, panicked and ready to leave. At this point, I wished I had a pair of some really good sound cancelling headphones or a pair of earplugs that filter all the sound out. My sensitivity to loud noises was being tested and I was feeling very frantic. I just wanted it to stop, so badly.

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Photo by Josie Stephens on Pexels.com

I have never seen myself as a Mother. Hell, I don’t even consider myself very feminine.

Having a child and having those responsibilities is something that shouldn’t be taken lightly. There’s a lot of financial resources needed and a lot of time, effort and stress – none of which I even would remotely ever want to take on. I am happy being an Aunt to two wonderful kids.

I also absolutely love, love, love my rescue cats. They fill any kind of need I may have to be nurturing, without making me compromise who I am. I love their pink jellybean toes, cute noses and small tiger-like qualities. They are my little house lions.

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It’s not like I don’t support other people’s children. (Doesn’t even matter if I want to or not) It’s mandatory as it is included in taxes which are then given back in the forms of tax rebates if you have children.  There are also a lot of politicians touting free childcare as part of their campaign promises to lure voters.

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Photo by Silvia Trigo on Pexels.com

This will NEVER be me – and I am beyond pleased to say it.


For more reading on this subject, please check out:

Buddy and Ruby update!

I’ve heard from a lot of you and you have expressed you’d like more cat updates.

Well we’ve had Ruby since October 16th and she’s made so much progress. Ruby is so bonded to Buddy now and she’s the happiest little lady.

I couldn’t help myself. I had to make this video:

My Rescue Cats

BuddyIt’s funny—I’ve always had the softest spot for animals in my heart. Growing up, our house was chaotic and full of different kinds. We had Birds – large and small, Dogs and Cats. They were always so comforting to me. Back then, I was bullied a lot. I didn’t have many friends or people I could confide in. I remember crying in my bedroom and just talking to one of our dogs. I always felt so comforted by the soft, cuddly, non-judgemental soul staring back at me, wanting affection and giving it right back to me.

I never, ever took their love for granted. Never. I had been mentally drained by all the negative energy surrounding me on a daily basis and felt lucky I at least had them.

Now, as a 29 year old adult, I feel as though my calling is having these beautiful, golden babies in my life. Buddy is five years old and we adopted him two years ago. His previous owner said he was too loud at night and gave him up. He is the sweetest, kindest and most precious Cat i’ve ever met. He gives me endless head-butts and really enjoys his catnip. He chose Justin (my significant other) at the BCSPCA by reaching his paw out for him when we visited. We couldn’t stop thinking about him and he’s ridiculously spoiled.

Ruby, our beautiful new baby. We got her just yesterday and she is a very scared little girl. She is a doll, just over a year old and needs her time to flourish and become more confident. If anything, she’s teaching me so much already and in many ways, I feel like I understand her a lot. I know what it’s like to be scared of new surroundings, to have to take your time, to not really like being touched all the time and having to do things at a pace that’s just right.

Buddy is taken with her. Their meeting was amazing. He sniffed her and no claws came out, no hissing happened and he’s even already groomed her a few times.

I’m excited to see what will happen over time and I can’t wait to see them bond and become inseparable. We are SO lucky to have them both in our lives and I continue to feel like my heart is whole.