Actually Autistic: Rejection and Defeat

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I’m a Chewigem Ambassador!

 

Chewigem Products are made for the NEED TO CHEW.

I wish I had these around when I was a kid. I always twirled my hair and chewed on it. I also chewed on my pencils, erasers and my nails.

Their products are not only totally functional but they are very attractive looking. They have a chew chart to showcase the different densities offered to suit different needs.   They are safely made from FDA approved silicone and provide a great anxiety and stim tool, which can be super calming.

I’m excited to be one of their ambassadors as this is something that is incredibly important to me. Products like this help make managing daily life and challenges a bit easier. Having a product like Chewigem on the market fills an important void.

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For more information, please check out:

A fresh new start

Cups

Part of my mug collection

I got a new job!

I’m also super, super nervous about it. You know when nerves mix with excitement and a sprinkle of anxiety? That’s where I’m at. I actually kind of feel sick about it.

I’m going to be learning the skill and art of the Barista. Here’s to hoping I don’t get overwhelmed. If that does happen, I have to remember to breathe and utilize the support systems I will have in place.

I haven’t worked in four months and I haven’t totally minded it, but obviously it’s not sustainable since I have bills to pay, cats to look after, food to buy and so on and so forth. I’m constantly thinking of what’s the next big thing for me and I’m thankful I started this blog because the feedback, the support and the sense of purpose it’s giving me–well, it totally fills my heart with joy!

My inner dialogue goes a little something like this:

  • Will I remember the recipes?
  • Will I please the customers?
  • Will I handle the pressure?
  • Will I remain calm and focused?
  • Will I be able to handle the lights, smells and sounds?

I’m usually very nervous around food handling – especially if it includes leafy greens which is a big sensory-trigger for me. I know: A Vegetarian who doesn’t like leafy greens? Yeah, that’s right. I don’t do salads. I don’t do Lettuce, Kale or any of those Green, plastic-y foods. Nope, Nope, NOPE!

Fortunately, the company that hired me is exceptionally inclusive in their hiring and they will be able to work with my support lady at the local autism centre to ensure I have all the resources I need to be successful. For me, that’s everything. That’s the key to my success. I want to be viewed as being able to perform the job. I want people to know that those on the spectrum are capable of greatness! We don’t need a cure, we need support.

Look good, Feel better?

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I’m not really sure if looking good really makes you feel better. I believe that channeling who I am inside with my outward appearance helps me connect to others just a bit better. I’m not implying that my no makeup, t-shirt ways aren’t any less of who I am.. but they may convey a sadder, more depressed me. I’d like to attract happiness, good things, positive things, new experiences and new opportunities.

I’m a bit aloof, i’ll happily admit (well, maybe not so happily…) that i’m sometimes lacking those oh-so-neccesary interpersonal skills that neuro-typicals possess. I don’t think people realize how lucky they are to be able to have a conversation with others and not be perceived as being a weirdo or just completely inept. This has happened to me way more times then I could even begin to count on my fingers and toes!

I even try hard to make small talk with people. I’m still able to confuse others and end conversations on the flip of a dime. Ugh. Will it EVER get easier? I’m still lacking a social circle. I still haven’t made any art lately (i’m going to damn well try), I still need to list items on my eBay and figure out the big, bold, wondrous answer to my very apparent and repetitive question:

WHAT’S NEXT FOR ME?

They do say “All good things come to those who wait.”

Haven’t I been waiting long enough?

Awake

I’ve been sleeping for over 12 hours a day. I went to bed at midnight and woke up almost at noon. I’m not sure if it’s the medication or just feeling downright miserable. It’s sometimes hard to be completely present. My self-worth has been diminished, slowly, gradually and over a duration of time that’s beyond comprehension. I know, I’m not the easiest person to get along with. I’ll definitely admit that. (It’s not for my lack of trying.)

“Breathe. Inhale, Exhale. Relax.”, An inner voice calls out to me. It’s hard for me to listen. There’s so much inner chatter and I can’t differentiate what’s positive or negative, what worries are real and which ones are fake. Constantly, I’m psyching myself out.

I’ve been twirling my hair and running my fingers through it, constantly. I’ve been picking scabs on my scalp and my face. I’ve been scratching, I’ve been sore, my eyes are dry, i’ve been profusely sweating, i’ve been exhausted. How can I be SO tired without doing anything productive?

It’s all part of this illness. It’s all part of this monster, this control, this sadness, this frustration, this anger, this uncertianty.

I feel like i’m a one person army fighting against this invisible war.

I might feel that way, but what I do know is that i’m not alone.

What’s your story?