Life would be so much easier…

..If I didn’t wear my heart on my sleeve.

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It’s so hard for me to read people, I know — i’ve written about this in the past, but it’s the truth.

I am vocal about being Autistic because my inability to connect with people is rooted in my neurodiversity. Now, i’m not saying it’s a bad thing (but it definitely can be).

I am still figuring out where my place is in the world and how I can integrate myself more seamlessly in to the environment around me and it’s not going well.

I don’t understand intent from others. I have been taken advantage of or put in situations that I believe will have a favourable outcome, but they don’t. It’s generally the other party who is interested and I go along with what is happening. I meet someone, spend time with them and then afterwards feel incredibly remorseful during my reflection of what just happened.

A lot of the time it can simply be the energy that I sense from others, i’ve been told before I am a “sensitive” and I don’t know the validity of that label, however what I do know is that I tend to repeat scenerios in my head. The more I seem to do this, the worse I feel. It’s the anxiety (once again) propelling me to a very dark place I didn’t want to go.

I have been getting back in to the dating pool and it has been incredibly draining for me. I don’t think i’m going to continue. I put my heart and soul in to everything I do and it tends to make me feel objectified. I am so eager to get to know people and learn their quirks, but I can’t say that it’s been easy trying to find people who understand me. They see me for one thing and that’s it. Also, identifying as non-binary puts a whole other wrench in to that situation because I am viewed as strictly female.

So, I deleted the dating apps and i’m done with that. I am not going to put myself through that hurt anymore. It’s time I focus on myself, my art, my writing, my advocacy work and OBVIOUSLY cats (because, hello, life is incomplete without them!)

Life always throws something my way, I feel like i’m always trying to decipher a code that I can’t crack.

Be kind; for I am fragile.

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Anxiety, take the wheel.

Do I start this off with a content warning? Candid, mental health & anxiety sweat ahead.

With that out of the way, I want to talk about a few things that i’ve been thinking about lately. You know those perfect photos you see online? It’s all smoke and mirrors. All of it. I’m completely guilty of this. I am really struggling with my mental and physical health. I have been sleeping a lot, crying a lot and just overall not being terribly productive. I am basically a fleshy paperweight.

You see this here? This is what excruciating, emotional pain looks like. This is what a half hour of makeup application and meticulously placing my bobby pins in my hair looks like. I don’t even think I even am able to effectively fake a smile.

I know, i’ve gone around and around and around and posted about stuff like this (mental illness) before, but it’s such a large part of who I am and I wish it wasn’t.

Today tested me. It put everything I have been struggling with in to one hellish mess. Firstly, I had a big emotional meltdown yesterday — that started it all. Crying and saying a lot of things I didn’t mean to someone I care about are actions I severely regret. I have a hard time regulating my emotions. I’m not medicated–and the medication I tried did not work for me. (I had a very dismissive psychiatrist.) Our mental health system is very broken and I am having a hard time accessing suitable assistance.

Back to what happened today: I went to Superstore and tested my blood pressure at the “Wellness station” in the pharmacy. My reading was 149 / 100. Not good. Not good at all.

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We walked around a bunch because my health is not the greatest, so it was an attempt at physical activity. I was on board for this. I got a nice magenta top and then we walked over to H&M and I got a black tank top to wear under. This was an attempt at doing something nice for myself. We continued on and made a few more stops before we went in to Winners, which is owned by TJ Maxx — it’s essentially a Canadian version. I looked at some stuff. I went to go check out the Women’s clearance, and at this time I was feeling really concerned about my blood pressure reading. The thoughts were very persistent and added to the anxiety that is gnawing at my brain and tightening it’s grip on me. That induces sweat–the worst kind of sweat imaginable. I tried wedging my way in to the aisle where the clearance was and there was another customer looking at clothes. I tried to get by her and she kept looking at me. I couldn’t figure out why. Was I being rude? Was I bumping in to her and taking up too much room? What was going on? Well, I learned what it was quickly. Her eyes locked with mine, she gave me the filthiest, most disgusted look I have seen. My heart sank. She persisted to walk by me and wave her hand in the air, fanning it. I realized something: she was disgusted by the way I smelled.

I didn’t even realize it. No matter how much deodorant or anti-perspirant I put on, I still could not cover up my extreme anxiety. I was so embarrassed. Everything I wanted to see in the store, she happened to end up in that department. When I went to check out with the two items I picked up — a rust coloured top and some Schmidt’s Charcoal + Magnesium Deodorant (yes, I picked it up after this happened), GUESS WHO WAS IN FRONT OF ME IN THE LINE? Oh my god. I almost had a panic attack. On the one hand, I already felt like trash but then apparently I smelled like it too? Awful. I couldn’t even look her in the eye. I tried to maintain my distance but lines make it so that there’s a person in front of you and a person behind you. If it wasn’t for the purchases I wanted to make, I would have left right away and went back to being a hermit.

I still feel ashamed and disgusted. I obviously learned a valuable lesson today and I realize that I have to really put more effort in to the way I present myself and carry some kind of spray or something with me, even if i’m irritated by artificial smells, just to maintain some level of decency and consideration for those around me. The last thing I want is to be looked down upon by people I don’t even know because the emotional pain that it brings me just adds to the depressed and anxious feelings I already have.

Oh, and on top of that, I spent nearly 5 hours at the Emergency room in regards to my blood pressure, I had various tests done and will be following up with an outpatient clinic. I want answers or at least medication to help get it more regulated.

I definitely want today to be over.

Consumer VS. Corporation

Blogging can be joyful but it can also be incredibly disheartening, frustrating and full of defeat (yes, i’ve mentioned this plenty of times before).

I owe a lot of gratitude to the companies that have been kind enough to work with me, not because of a ROI but because they genuinely care about my opinion and the content I create.

If you are a large corporation worth billions of dollars and you decide to run an “Autism at Work” program, employing autistic individuals and running seminars/talks with lots of press material and attendance, it’s in your very best interest to make sure that everyone is on the same page.

What do I mean by this?

Your PR company should know better than to use the terminology “with autism”, they should also realize that if they are employing autistic individuals then that would be a perfect segue to attracting autistic customers.

I got so wound up and so incredibly anxious after dealing with all this in the morning that I have felt unwell the entire day. I tend to internalize my feelings.

Sometimes I think of our home, our planet as seen from space. It makes me realize how insignificant I truly am and helps puts things in to perspective.

-Margaux

Just when you want to forget.

It’s been just about a month since i’ve been let go from my last job. I’ll never ever think that’s a nice or delightful way of firing someone. I don’t think saying “you’re fired” is much better, but when you’re dealing with someone in a vulnerable state, any bad news is going to feel like a thousand pounds of hell.

I do sometimes wish that it was a smoother transition from feeling like I had some kind of stability in my life to then feeling like a worthless sack of shit. What’s the point of mincing words or not swearing? I don’t think I could possibly convey the emotion I felt when I was let down by those I had put a lot of trust and faith in to. I figured our values and our end goals were the same, but as always, it’s about productivity and not mental health. It’s about profits, not people. So many companies pass themselves off as really truly caring about their employees but i’d really like to see companies step up to the plate and care about the mental health of those who slave away all day to keep things in tip-top shape. I can’t believe there isn’t regulation in place. I know, i’ve said it a thousand times, both in the typed word and the spoken word in my passionate youtube video.

I want to cause change, so bad. A lot of the time I truly feel alone, i’m loved. I appreciate that so much.

Sometimes I distract myself, I look at the media kit on ikea’s website just to see what new furniture they are coming out with. I can’t afford any of it, hell, I can’t even afford a nice pair of high waisted jeans which I hold in such high regard in my brain. That shouldn’t be a priority of mine. Food & rent are my priorities. I’ve listed a lot of things on my eBay account and hope that with my continued cross promoting — that I can get it all going on and profit. Even if that profit is honestly just to help me keep afloat.

Weirdest thing happened yesterday. I went to Neil Diamond with my boyfriend. I had won tickets from a local radio station. We got in to our seats, I won GREAT tickets. Not floor seats but we were staring straight at the stage. So good!

Anyways, there was this #tweetcaroline thing, where you could tweet your picture and a caption and it could end up on one of the 2 screens, one on either side of the stage. I did it, so exciting! There was our faces up on the screen for all to see. Yes! I thought this was awesome.

I kept watching the photos. Happy couples, mom’s and their daughters, groups of smiling folks…and there it was. My former manager. The same lady that fired me. She was with her partner and a friend. I couldn’t believe it. I knew it was her. Same twitter handle, same smirking face.

Why can’t I just have a good time and not be reminded of someone who has caused me so much grief and upset? Honestly?

I’m not sure if it was so much a coincidence as it was life trying to bite me in the ass, again.