The stress of Autism Advocacy

I’ve said it before and i’ll say it again:

I’m so ready to throw in the towel.

I felt like my contributions were worthwhile and at this point I feel like the stress and fighting is far outweighing the benefits and my mental health is suffering. I am at a low point.

If the goal is to help folks, we should be understanding that the worst thing to do is penalize people.

I’m unsure what happened to the ideals of kindness, speaking to people with respect and understanding. It seems like this has all fallen by the wayside. Instead, there’s folks out there with sheer anger and frustration, taking it out on everyone for the world to see.

It’s sad to know that we’ve come to a place where instead of activism, advocacy and helping people, we’ve been reduced to videos where folks are naming names and creating a cult or pact mentality against folks in our community.

Is re-victimizing and triggering folks helping anyone? If we are to be helpful, why is calling out people in videos acceptable, acknowledged and praised? This should never be the baseline.

The focus has been taken away from information, knowledge and advice and has turned in to dictatorship with numerous folks joining in on the bullying, further strengthening the ability to dog pile and driving them to their lowest point – driving them to contemplate suicide.

The sad thing is, it’s going to happen. Someone is going to end up harming themselves. I know that I was made to feel like an absolute piece of human filth. I felt like crying. I was triggered, I was brought to panic. I also was made to be unable to seek emotional help that I was in dire need of.

I’m not trying to argue. But at what point do I have to say “enough is enough”?

Well i’ll tell you:

When the emotional toll becomes too much to bare and helping people is overshadowed.

We shouldn’t be bullying folks out of activism and advocacy. If our goal is to help people, why are so many folks being driven to mental breakdowns? Because the opportunity to listen has turned in to the opportunity to dictate.

I’m not putting myself through this. I’m beyond sad. I’m not trying to argue, i’m not trying to fight, i’m not trying to start a war. But this is eating away at me and the moment i’m told to stay silent becomes the moment I have to speak.

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Years may go on…

..but words still hurt and the pain lingers.

Photo by Shamia Casiano on Pexels.com

I believe in the power of words. Whether it’s for good or bad, words linger. The power you can have over someone else’s emotions and personal strength is more impactful then you probably realize. That being said, tomorrow is my birthday and today I feel a bit crestfallen.

15 years, 20 years or 25 years, does the timeline really matter if you still feel the same way that you did when that person said or did that hurtful thing to you? Does time invalidate the pain or the ability to make things right with someone who you may have said incredibly distressing things to? No. Never.

You have time to make things right; time to heal those who you have wounded.

I feel like a fool sometimes for reaching out to those people and try to give them a chance to make amends, clear the air and have a positive interaction with me — but some of those people would rather make it seem like I am the one at fault; like I deserved it.

Reliving these terrible instances is a horrible way to live. Oh, and not only live, but sleep, dream or even have nightmares about it. Why are some worthy of respect from these individuals, even friends of mine, and yet I’m not? I don’t know if it’s because I’m wired differently, because I’m neurodiverse or because my skin isn’t as thick as it could be. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I spent so many years crying and being ‘beat up’ emotionally by those around me, including a family member who should have set a good example. The term “emotional punching bag” comes to mind.

DoodleBeth illustrates it perfectly. It was truly kismet to see this images yesterday.

If someone gives you the chance to make things right, please don’t insinuate that the victim is the one to blame when given the chance to make things right:

“I am sorry you harboured this feeling for so long. i’m not sure if I can give you the response that you wanted – but I do hope you can mend that hole.”

 

In conclusion:

Please make amends with those you may have hurt.
Your words are more powerful than you realize.
Be kind.

Evolving, slowly.

I’ve been working on new patterns while we wait for our fabric tags for retrophiliac and co.

I am very anxious and I have been really internalizing my stress. I’m trying not to, but my appetite is gone and my sleep patterns are all screwed up. I’m napping a lot and I haven’t gone outside as much as I should.

I’m going through a dramatic change. I have a job interview next week and I am crossing my fingers that I get it. It’s something i’ve done before and loved immensely. It’s also walking distance from where I am staying and right down the street from where my sister works.

Making friends or having a social life and getting involved in things that this city has to offer is something I would like to do a lot more of. I feel incredibly lucky to be back here, surrounded by family. I never felt like I spent enough time with them.

Please bear with me. I am growing as a person!

-Margaux

The importance of expression

I can feel incredibly trapped and caged when I am unable to express myself. Whether it’s art, cooking, writing or human interaction– my soul desperately cries out for the opportunity. I am a very visual person. I like to see what is going on in front of me. I engage, I live in colour. I like to dress up, I like to provide advice and talk to all kinds of different people, preferably without negative consequences. Sometimes the foreboding feeling of something negative to follow is enviable.

These are pieces of me, pieces of my soul and I will always look back on how many opportunities my expression has created for me. I want to connect with artists, writers and musicians. If you’re reading this–feel free to reach out!

So much more to come.

David Cassidy

David Cassidy was more to me than just a star of days gone by. He was handsome, charisma and talent rolled in to one. His album “Rock Me Baby” was the soundtrack to my teenage years. I would spin that record over and over again. It never got old or stale. The sense of warmth I got from his music can only be described as hair-raising, goosebump-inducing auditory pleasure.

I like to remember him as the young adult he once was and will be remembered for. His beautiful voice, his ability to transcend generations and his captivating spirit and passion  was the ticket to his success.

From what i’ve read, he wanted to be a serious actor and earn the much coveted trophies and accolades to go with it. His career turned out to be much different.

Perhaps he harboured resentment.

I’m certain the amount of people who can truly say that their lives were enhanced by his visual and auditory contributions, well, they’re probably much more then I can fathom.

I’m writing this at 5:02 in the morning. I was awake in my bed and started “writing” this out in my head and I couldn’t take it anymore. It was eating away at me since his passing. I’ve been doing my own mourning. I didn’t write much about it before today. Those who know me, know how much of an impact he’s made on my life.

When I started really trying to propel my art further in to the world, I would always mention him as an inspiration. I don’t think those who interviewed me could grasp the idea that an actor, a singer, a personality like his, could inspire visual art.

I feel as though when I listen to his music and watch his shows that I am interpreting the vibes I get and, in turn, getting it all on canvas. Art is art. Art can truly make other art happen if you let it, and boy, did I ever. I was on a roll for years and his music was a constant source of happiness for me.

I know he battled his demons and i’m not here to glorify his addiction or even the way he  treated himself and his family. I’m most certainly not. I can say I have ideas of what it’s like to be hurt by others and it’s a very horrible feeling… but I can admire those who leave something good in the world and have some kind of legacy. It’s humbling to know that his family came together in his final moments and that there was closure.

I’ll always remember him fondly.

David Cassidy and I in 2008

 

My Rescue Cats

It’s funny—I’ve always had the softest spot for animals in my heart. Growing up, our house was chaotic and full of different kinds. We had Birds – large and small, Dogs and Cats. They were always so comforting to me. Back then, I was bullied a lot. I didn’t have many friends or people I could confide in. I remember crying in my bedroom and just talking to one of our dogs. I always felt so comforted by the soft, cuddly, non-judgemental soul staring back at me, wanting affection and giving it right back to me.

I never, ever took their love for granted. Never. I had been mentally drained by all the negative energy surrounding me on a daily basis and felt lucky I at least had them.

Now, as a 29 year old adult, I feel as though my calling is having these beautiful, golden babies in my life. Buddy is five years old and we adopted him two years ago. His previous owner said he was too loud at night and gave him up. He is the sweetest, kindest and most precious Cat i’ve ever met. He gives me endless head-butts and really enjoys his catnip. He chose Justin (my significant other) at the BCSPCA by reaching his paw out for him when we visited. We couldn’t stop thinking about him and he’s ridiculously spoiled.

Ruby, our beautiful new baby. We got her just yesterday and she is a very scared little girl. She is a doll, just over a year old and needs her time to flourish and become more confident. If anything, she’s teaching me so much already and in many ways, I feel like I understand her a lot. I know what it’s like to be scared of new surroundings, to have to take your time, to not really like being touched all the time and having to do things at a pace that’s just right.

Buddy is taken with her. Their meeting was amazing. He sniffed her and no claws came out, no hissing happened and he’s even already groomed her a few times.

I’m excited to see what will happen over time and I can’t wait to see them bond and become inseparable. We are SO lucky to have them both in our lives and I continue to feel like my heart is whole.