Reliving my (painful) past

I want to preface this post by saying that these are things i’ve experienced and at the time of writing this, I do not have a PTSD diagnosis. I, in no way, want to make those with a proper diagnosis feel less than or devalued in any way.

Often times I find myself in these dizzying spells with negative thoughts running rampant. They flood my mind: terrible, painful memories that I wish would vanish.

Discovering deceased pets, multiple instances of being bullied which included: thumbtacks, sharp side up- They would be left on my chair with an audience that consisted of my entire class, watching and waiting to see if I would notice and sit on it, purposely having dodgeballs thrown at my face, having friends-of-friends find out personal details about me and they would attempt to humiliate and berate me based on it, being excluded from birthday parties, having the whole class turn against me while the teacher was out of the room – that’s just some of the bullying that occurred during my elementary school years. Can’t forget the workplace bullying with all kinds of instances that included customers yelling at me, management making me cry or not believing things I say (I am very honest) and being fired – which was one of the most humiliating things i’ve ever lived through, co-workers being nasty to me for reasons i’ll never know.

I also can’t forget all the things my Father did: the daily verbal abuse, screaming so loud that you could hear him down the block, chasing me to my bedroom and holding the door closed so I couldn’t leave, yelling at me for questioning things he said and having friends witness his emotionally destructive behaviour which was embarrassing and continued to pile the stress on top of me. 

This is just a small portion of the hundreds, maybe thousands of memories that flow through my mind.

Even though I had the support of my Sisters and my Mum, I still felt so alone and depressed. I didn’t think I would survive so I failed to look after myself. I think sadness was one of the first emotions I remember experiencing.

I want these painful memories to subside. Easier said than done. I can’t seem to shake off things that happened as far back as I can remember. 

People often say things like “Forgive and forget”, “don’t dwell on your past”, “move on” and “live in the present”. It’s NOT THAT EASY. Diminishing the valid feelings of those who often have to suffer in silence is not something that sits well with me. It’s hard enough to allow those feelings to come to the surface, let alone feel comfortable enough with anyone to actually allow the words of pain to flow out of ones mouth. It’s a PRIVILEGE to listen to such agony. I don’t think it’s okay to interject comments telling someone to forget, move on and live in the present. It makes things worse.

I have reached out to some people that have caused me pain and forever haunt me in my memories and I was unsuccessful. I also was left feeling as though what happened was my fault. I do my best to cope.

Forgiveness is so much harder than its made out to be and it has stages that are very similar to grief. I would say that one of my biggest faults or personality flaws would be the severity of my anxiety. Many thoughts continue to haunt me, not only during my waking hours but even during my sleep.

I’m talking about those nights where my mind and my heart feel like they are racing in unison.

Trying to fall asleep, I toss and turn. Sometimes, I wake up at 3am and lay there, trying so hard to go back and sleep peacefully when my mind is at war with it’s self. My body becomes warm, clammy and my night sweats are the worst. I try to find something to think about or something to do. If one of my cats happens to be awake I will gravitate towards them; their soft hair, their therapeutic purring – it helps me stay mindful, it’s calming, it puts me at ease.

Every day is a new chapter but my story starts with pain and my book is still being written. There’s still a chance for happiness.


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David Cassidy

my_love__david_cassidy_by_margypargie

David Cassidy was more to me than just a star of days gone by. He was handsome, charisma and talent rolled in to one. His album “Rock Me Baby” was the soundtrack to my teenage years. I would spin that record over and over again. It never got old or stale. The sense of warmth I got from his music can only be described as hair-raising, goosebump-inducing auditory pleasure.

I like to remember him as the young adult he once was and will be remembered for. His beautiful voice, his ability to transcend generations and his captivating spirit and passion  was the ticket to his success.

From what i’ve read, he wanted to be a serious actor and earn the much coveted trophies and accolades to go with it. His career turned out to be much different.

Perhaps he harboured resentment.

I’m certain the amount of people who can truly say that their lives were enhanced by his visual and auditory contributions, well, they’re probably much more then I can fathom.

I’m writing this at 5:02 in the morning. I was awake in my bed and started “writing” this out in my head and I couldn’t take it anymore. It was eating away at me since his passing. I’ve been doing my own mourning. I didn’t write much about it before today. Those who know me, know how much of an impact he’s made on my life.

When I started really trying to propel my art further in to the world, I would always mention him as an inspiration. I don’t think those who interviewed me could grasp the idea that an actor, a singer, a personality like his, could inspire visual art.

androgonous_70s_by_margypargie

I feel as though when I listen to his music and watch his shows that I am interpreting the vibes I get and, in turn, getting it all on canvas. Art is art. Art can truly make other art happen if you let it, and boy, did I ever. I was on a roll for years and his music was a constant source of happiness for me.

I know he battled his demons and i’m not here to glorify his addiction or even the way he  treated himself and his family. I’m most certainly not. I can say I have ideas of what it’s like to be hurt by others and it’s a very horrible feeling… but I can admire those who leave something good in the world and have some kind of legacy. It’s humbling to know that his family came together in his final moments and that there was closure.

I’ll always remember him fondly.

David Cassidy and I in 2008

David Cassidy and I in 2008