Anxiety’s Reign

You know how this starts out… “It’s a beautiful day, the sun is shining…”, Positivity. Super positive vibes. Well, honestly? That’s not how I feel. A tight feeling in my chest, my heart, beating ever so loudly and my brain, not turning off. When will this be better? When will I find answers to my questions? I don’t know. I feel pretty dumb just writing this. I’m sitting outside on our patio and there’s so much uncertainty in my mind. How can I afford to buy anything? How can I handle this? I feel like i’m on the verge of panic. I feel like the walls are closing around me and I am trapped without a way out. There are way too many questions. No answers. I can’t even hold a proper conversation right now without freaking out. I feel victimized. I feel like a game of cat and mouse was played and I definitely, I most definitely lost. I didn’t think my health problems would become so persistent with a very unfavourable outcome: Losing my job. I feel wronged. I feel confused.

I..should..know..better. I should have known better than to trust someone who was clearly not working in my favour .

You know what i’ve done the past few days? I’ve slept. I have slept so much. I didn’t think I was capable of it. I don’t know if it’s my medication, or if i’m just depressed. I’m 30 next year…and what have I got to show for it? Nothing.

 

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There must be a good reason? I decided to start Navigating Life, My Journey with Mental Illness after a friend of mine told me I should be blogging. I recently lost my job and I am in a bit of a rut. You might know me from my OriginalRetrophilac videos on youtube. If you don’t, I suggest you go check it out and subscribe. I hope to do a mix of videos and articles on this blog, showcasing my somewhat sad existence. I’m not sure if things are going to get better or if more doors are going to open after one just hit me on the ass on the way out…. I can’t say for certain. But what I can say is this is going to hopefully be about my feelings, my emotions, what i’m doing, how i’m dealing with it and interacting with all of you. Maybe this will be a safe haven, maybe i’ll be able to do some advocating or literally preaching to the choir…. This could be the start of something really interesting!