Life would be so much easier…

..If I didn’t wear my heart on my sleeve.

Photo by Rakicevic Nenad on Pexels.com

It’s so hard for me to read people, I know — i’ve written about this in the past, but it’s the truth.

I am vocal about being Autistic because my inability to connect with people is rooted in my neurodiversity. Now, i’m not saying it’s a bad thing (but it definitely can be).

I am still figuring out where my place is in the world and how I can integrate myself more seamlessly in to the environment around me and it’s not going well.

I don’t understand intent from others. I have been taken advantage of or put in situations that I believe will have a favourable outcome, but they don’t. It’s generally the other party who is interested and I go along with what is happening. I meet someone, spend time with them and then afterwards feel incredibly remorseful during my reflection of what just happened.

A lot of the time it can simply be the energy that I sense from others, i’ve been told before I am a “sensitive” and I don’t know the validity of that label, however what I do know is that I tend to repeat scenerios in my head. The more I seem to do this, the worse I feel. It’s the anxiety (once again) propelling me to a very dark place I didn’t want to go.

I have been getting back in to the dating pool and it has been incredibly draining for me. I don’t think i’m going to continue. I put my heart and soul in to everything I do and it tends to make me feel objectified. I am so eager to get to know people and learn their quirks, but I can’t say that it’s been easy trying to find people who understand me. They see me for one thing and that’s it. Also, identifying as non-binary puts a whole other wrench in to that situation because I am viewed as strictly female.

So, I deleted the dating apps and i’m done with that. I am not going to put myself through that hurt anymore. It’s time I focus on myself, my art, my writing, my advocacy work and OBVIOUSLY cats (because, hello, life is incomplete without them!)

Life always throws something my way, I feel like i’m always trying to decipher a code that I can’t crack.

Be kind; for I am fragile.

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Influential enough for you?

Consume Media or Create Media?

I have been seeing the term “micro influencer” used more frequently and I have come to realize it’s the perfect label.

Micro Influencers have a smaller reach and are focused on a specific topic, which perfectly explains what I do. I have been trying to build up my audience but it’s slow and steady, not as fast as I thought it would be.

I always have the hope that someone will reach out to me and offer me a great opportunity without me being the first to contact and in the last couple days I have received emails for 2 potential collaborations.I got frustrated about those messages. One was in regards to a business that is run by a Neurotypical person who used all the wrong language about Autistic People and it seems to be based on that whole inspiration porn format. The other one is a supplement that apparently helps adults and children “with Autism” and they want to get in front of my audience. Regardless of the efficacy, it’s not something i’m comfortable peddling. There’s no financial agreement I would make to sell you all something like this. With that being said, I am NOT seeing any monetary gain from my website.

I felt like I hit a dead end yesterday. I contacted one of the largest tech companies around and I had a great idea to pitch. I received an email back from the PR company representing them and was told they only deal with the press. That made me feel very defeated and frustrated. The first thought that popped in my head was “do I need certification to prove i’m press?”, I posed this question on my facebook and A fellow blogger said it’s all about building those connections and that specific press certification does not exist. I’m confused that none of my collaborations that i’ve successfully initiated are worthy of me being considered press. I attempt to find other ways to contact different companies and I end up reaching their customer service support and they don’t know where to direct me. If they do direct me somewhere, it’s a telephone number, which is not an accessible option (that’s a whole other problem) and I can’t form proper thoughts when i’m speaking on the phone. I’ve been called “honey” or “sweetie” in a condescending fashion before, i’ve called and been told they don’t know what to do with my questions or requests or I end up catching someone completely off guard and I get very confused. I still have a hard time with regulating the tone of my voice and having “normal” conversations.

I believe when given the chance, I can create pretty engaging content. I’m getting more comments on my YouTube channel each day and it really lifts my spirits.

I’m Neurodiverse, I’m AUTISTIC and I think differently. I just hope people take note that if someone wants to talk through email or text messages that it’s not an inferior form of communication. This is who I am. I don’t want people to get the wrong idea about me, although i’m very used to it.

Whether I influence you or not, that’s okay. If you’ve interacted with me, thank you. If i’m feeling low–writing, creating art and connecting on social media are things that are vital to my wellbeing and personal expression. I hope you continue to join me on my unique journey.

The power of misunderstandings.

Today I was told that I come across as “a bit entitled”.

I feel like that’s the farthest from the truth. I am an incredibly direct person who tends to include factual information and I ask a lot of questions. If a certain channel doesn’t yield any answers, I try another channel. Yes, I am an incredibly persistent person but that should not be confused with entitled.

I seek informative answers, I seek consistency. I seek an answer, whether that’s acceptance or rejection, I feel as though I’m worthy of either versus just being ‘ghosted’. Being completely ignored.

My story and my passion is one that is mixed with drive, acceptance, awareness and equal opportunities. I have a mission to showcase products, attractions, experiences and opinions with my wide array of different visitors–both Neurodiverse and NT.

https://twitter.com/curlyhairedalis

I wish there was a general understanding that I am not doing this blog to get free stuff. I am creating content because I want to show the world a very unique point of view. This is a niche. This is my passion and I love to create media rich content—it allows me to be creative which is a huge part of my identity.  I have been told by a very prominent local blogger that I should be charging for all the work I do. I have not made a cent.

Please don’t pass judgement. Education is key and incorrect labels do not help anyone.

For more information, please visit:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/aspergers-diary/201503/being-misunderstood

Please note:

I no longer utilize the term Aspergers in reference to myself as it is harmful terminology. I am maintaining the Aspergers tag on 3 of my posts so they are easily searchable, however I am not condoning the use of this language.

This Weekend….

Friday was very eventful!

I got all dressed up and we got some delicious, reasonably priced sushi from Sushi Mania in Vancouver. It was an exciting day. My Sister is 1/2 of the duo Hollow Twin and my Boyfriend and I enjoyed the album release show at The Biltmore. It was a stellar evening. The performance was enjoyable and gave me goosebumps.

 

I also made some very new art. I am not sure if i’m done because i’m so fixated on the fact that the grass isn’t uniform and that I haven’t used enough white outlines.

 

Beyond that, i’m trying to stay very positive and motivated to create more Art and trying to get it in to more people’s homes. I have many ambitions but I need the finances to keep going. Having my job is essential but not exactly sufficient enough. I can’t over work myself either!

Margaux

What’s my time worth?

I have been suffering from some of the worst anxiety lately. Sleepless nights accompanied by cold sweats, tossing and turning and waking up repeatedly. I’m irritated during the day and I want to be silent at night.

I’m wholeheartedly frustrated.

I feel like I’m someone who can relate to a fuzzy picture on an old television. Sometimes it’s in focus and sometimes it’s just completely static.

 

When I reach out to corporations and companies I hope my time is valued. I hope that the work I put in to it is either offered with some kind of trade like being provided a service in exchange for a review.

So here I am.

I approached one of the largest computer/tech companies.

They are trying to create a resurgence in the marketplace with products marketed to Millennials in hopes that they will be converted from silver products to colourful cubes. Oh, did I mention their net worth is 200+ BILLION DOLLARS? 

Naturally, I would have expected compensation for my time. Knowing a computer is an expensive and hefty piece of equipment to offer me, I would have been happy with  money that I could use to reinvest in items for my blog (a microphone?!) to better my content.

Apparently this corporation does not have the budget to pay me to essentially borrow their item and spend time analyzing it and reviewing it. I am just entirely blown away and what I’m trying to do is show neurodiverse (and neurotypical) individuals products that would enhance life. I like to interject my own humour and thoughts. I love to interact with all of you and hear your precious feedback.

Brands: Please value our time as bloggers. If you say you’re going to cross promote us, please post our content on your website and channels as well. Please provide us some kind of incentive and show us that we are appreciated. Please WORK with us.

Margaux

 

Fundraisers and Charity Events

I’m not really here to knock the amazing work different foundations do (not all of them).

I just find it quite curious how voices continue to be silenced. I feel like there’s so many Autistic advocates who would be very interested in the opportunity to be heard by a room full of people who can make a change by donating funds.

I am aware that companies do this because, for the most part, it makes THEM look good.

Recently, a local Autism Centre had a lavish winter fundraiser with plenty of large companies and corporations who were quite pleased to contribute monitarily.

I was on twitter when my feed was absolutely bombarded with images of the event. My Boyfriend reminded me this was a BUSINESS FUNCTION and of course they are going to exclude Autistic individuals and that it’s more of a PR event.

I have been doing my very best to get the word out because I believe that people who are Autistic can contribute their voice to these kind of issues. When I found out about this event while it was happening I quickly sprang in to action.

Not only did I write each and every company that contributed, but I also wrote the board of directors for the Autism Centre that hosted the event. I did get one response which said I could BUY A TICKET for the event or I could become an “advocate” for this centre by making a $15 donation. Seems kind of backwards.

Please, Include us. Consider us as very knowledgeable advisors. Listen.

Margaux

 

Logan Paul

To those who have struggled or continue to struggle, I am there for you.
I know how hard it is to deal with anxiety/depression/loneliness/social anxiety etc. I deal with these things often and I don’t know what life would be like without struggles.

I am so saddened that there are people out there who feel like they can exploit other people’s pain for their own personal gain.

This is the first time and I hope the last time I hear of this inconsiderate and ignorant individual. I also hope that he becomes less ignorant and learns from this gigantic mistake he made. I still believe he knew what he was doing and what the outcome would be. Seems incredibly calculated. It’s definitely a way to make the national (and international) news media.

Defending his behaviour is minimizing the pain that people suffer on a daily, weekly, yearly, lifetime basis. This person had a family. We need to honour those living and those we’ve lost.

Please seek out your local resource, family and friends for help. (I know that they aren’t always the best.)

YOU MATTER.

Love,

Margaux

My Story: Part 1

I was born near the end of the 80s. A time of plenty.

My entrance in to the world was a rocky one. I was born with a couple of birth defects and had surgery shortly after I was born. I had another surgery months (or weeks?) later.

I grew up in an upper class neighbourhood (in Vancouver, BC Canada) in a big pink house that wasn’t much older than me with my family being the very first owners. The houses surrounding us were mostly heritage homes, few of which are still standing today.

I attended a religion-based private/community school from Nursery 3 up until the 6th grade. It was horrible and I spent nearly every day crying. I’d start my day with a sense of dread, spend the middle of the day battling with my own self esteem as those around me diminished it any chance they got. I’d come home and have one of my parents ask me how school was or what I did. It was the last thing I wanted to answer and I would get scolded for being evasive.

I then transferred to a private school and the very same problems followed me there. 6th grade and part of the 7th grade. I wanted to vanish, forever. The kids were just as cruel but they didn’t spend 9 years of their lives growing up with me- not that it made any kind of difference.

I transferred schools again, this time it was a multi-modal program with another very high price tag for me to attend (yes, the last two schools definitely cost notable chunks of change). I had made a couple of friends, but I still felt like I wasn’t supposed to be there. I wasn’t sure where I would ever fit in. This time, it was a couple of teachers that I clashed with. Mr. H – he got mad at me through my ’emo’ years for wearing a spiked bracelet. He told me it was banned and that I was NEVER to wear it again. I kept asking why? What was wrong with it? I didn’t get a solid answer. I was very upset. I went to the office and the receptionists were talking about me right behind my back. I called my Mom and within NO TIME at all she came to the school and confronted the teacher. She asked him, point-blank, if he thought it was some kind of “S&M thing” and he wouldn’t say anything! She then confronted the receptionists and they admitted they were talking about me.

I love my Mom so much, she’s always been my #1 and ALWAYS been there for me. She’s my best friend.

The second teacher, Mr. F was the art teacher. He told me once that all my art looked the same and constantly excluded me from events that were meant for everyone. It was a struggle to KNOW that i was purposely left out.

This is Part 1 of my story. If you’re interested in knowing more, please let me know.

Love,

Margaux

Welcome to 2018!

Thank you so much for joining me in this new year! I hope that good things are to come.

How did you celebrate your new years? My Boyfriend and I hung out at home in our pyjamas. We ate Indian food and chilled out with our Cats. For me, there’s no other way i’d rather spent the evening.

Here’s my first video of the new year, enjoy!

Socially Inept.

There are plenty of us who are able to express ourselves and plenty who can not. I always hope when I share my stories that I am able to speak from deep within. It’s incredibly humbling when I receive messages of support.

To know that there are people out there who find what I say relatable and comforting is wonderful.

With everything that has been going on in the Autistic community, primarily those who have chosen to speak for us/at us without being Autistic, I feel that much more compelled to share the experiences that have shaped me.

I feel fragile and lonely at times. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am still growing, changing and evolving. I realize that the sentiment “be kind” can be so much more. Hold the door open, say hi to someone! Maybe even practice random acts of kindness? The simplest acknowledgement can really brighten a human’s day.

Love,

Margaux