Confident?

There’s been times where I have had my confidence mistaken for cockiness. It’s not intentional and I feel as though a lot of it has to do with my tone of voice. My tone of voice has to do a lot with an attempt to mask and be like everyone else when I speak. It’s apparent that I don’t do the best job.

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I had this one instance, about 8 or so years ago where I was getting interviewed for this live painting thing and it was on camera. One of the other participants from another team kept looking at her friend, wide-eyed and probably threw in a couple eye rolls as well. I’m pretty sure this was because she thought I was conveying myself in a fashion that made me seem as though I was very full of myself. Of course, that wasn’t my intention. I just felt confident at the time.

How does an Autistic Individual convey confidence and not seem self absorbed? Honestly?! I don’t know. Maybe I need to change my tone, change my walk, change everything about me? It’s an assumption, clearly. I believe neurotypical people will perceive me in one way and neurodiverse people will perceive me in another way and there’s nothing I can do about that.

There are times I feel really down on myself and feel like I missed an opportunity. My Art went viral on imgur and I didn’t make a single sale on my etsy store. It wasn’t my intention to sell art, I didn’t even include the link initially, but I do have to say that it was a bit of a blow to my confidence level. I still haven’t sold anything on there, this time around.

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It’s one of those things where there’s such a fine line and you have to teeter between the two to figure out where it is you stand. Sometimes, I have to remember to remind myself that it doesn’t matter what people think of me and that make sure to stay true to who I am.

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Actually Autistic: Rejection and Defeat

A fresh new start

Cups

Part of my mug collection

I got a new job!

I’m also super, super nervous about it. You know when nerves mix with excitement and a sprinkle of anxiety? That’s where I’m at. I actually kind of feel sick about it.

I’m going to be learning the skill and art of the Barista. Here’s to hoping I don’t get overwhelmed. If that does happen, I have to remember to breathe and utilize the support systems I will have in place.

I haven’t worked in four months and I haven’t totally minded it, but obviously it’s not sustainable since I have bills to pay, cats to look after, food to buy and so on and so forth. I’m constantly thinking of what’s the next big thing for me and I’m thankful I started this blog because the feedback, the support and the sense of purpose it’s giving me–well, it totally fills my heart with joy!

My inner dialogue goes a little something like this:

  • Will I remember the recipes?
  • Will I please the customers?
  • Will I handle the pressure?
  • Will I remain calm and focused?
  • Will I be able to handle the lights, smells and sounds?

I’m usually very nervous around food handling – especially if it includes leafy greens which is a big sensory-trigger for me. I know: A Vegetarian who doesn’t like leafy greens? Yeah, that’s right. I don’t do salads. I don’t do Lettuce, Kale or any of those Green, plastic-y foods. Nope, Nope, NOPE!

Fortunately, the company that hired me is exceptionally inclusive in their hiring and they will be able to work with my support lady at the local autism centre to ensure I have all the resources I need to be successful. For me, that’s everything. That’s the key to my success. I want to be viewed as being able to perform the job. I want people to know that those on the spectrum are capable of greatness! We don’t need a cure, we need support.

Look good, Feel better?

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I’m not really sure if looking good really makes you feel better. I believe that channeling who I am inside with my outward appearance helps me connect to others just a bit better. I’m not implying that my no makeup, t-shirt ways aren’t any less of who I am.. but they may convey a sadder, more depressed me. I’d like to attract happiness, good things, positive things, new experiences and new opportunities.

I’m a bit aloof, i’ll happily admit (well, maybe not so happily…) that i’m sometimes lacking those oh-so-neccesary interpersonal skills that neuro-typicals possess. I don’t think people realize how lucky they are to be able to have a conversation with others and not be perceived as being a weirdo or just completely inept. This has happened to me way more times then I could even begin to count on my fingers and toes!

I even try hard to make small talk with people. I’m still able to confuse others and end conversations on the flip of a dime. Ugh. Will it EVER get easier? I’m still lacking a social circle. I still haven’t made any art lately (i’m going to damn well try), I still need to list items on my eBay and figure out the big, bold, wondrous answer to my very apparent and repetitive question:

WHAT’S NEXT FOR ME?

They do say “All good things come to those who wait.”

Haven’t I been waiting long enough?