Reliving my (painful) past

I want to preface this post by saying that these are things i’ve experienced and at the time of writing this, I do not have a PTSD diagnosis. I, in no way, want to make those with a proper diagnosis feel less than or devalued in any way.

Often times I find myself in these dizzying spells with negative thoughts running rampant. They flood my mind: terrible, painful memories that I wish would vanish.

Discovering deceased pets, multiple instances of being bullied which included: thumbtacks, sharp side up- They would be left on my chair with an audience that consisted of my entire class, watching and waiting to see if I would notice and sit on it, purposely having dodgeballs thrown at my face, having friends-of-friends find out personal details about me and they would attempt to humiliate and berate me based on it, being excluded from birthday parties, having the whole class turn against me while the teacher was out of the room – that’s just some of the bullying that occurred during my elementary school years. Can’t forget the workplace bullying with all kinds of instances that included customers yelling at me, management making me cry or not believing things I say (I am very honest) and being fired – which was one of the most humiliating things i’ve ever lived through, co-workers being nasty to me for reasons i’ll never know.

I also can’t forget all the things my Father did: the daily verbal abuse, screaming so loud that you could hear him down the block, chasing me to my bedroom and holding the door closed so I couldn’t leave, yelling at me for questioning things he said and having friends witness his emotionally destructive behaviour which was embarrassing and continued to pile the stress on top of me. 

This is just a small portion of the hundreds, maybe thousands of memories that flow through my mind.

Even though I had the support of my Sisters and my Mum, I still felt so alone and depressed. I didn’t think I would survive so I failed to look after myself. I think sadness was one of the first emotions I remember experiencing.

I want these painful memories to subside. Easier said than done. I can’t seem to shake off things that happened as far back as I can remember. 

People often say things like “Forgive and forget”, “don’t dwell on your past”, “move on” and “live in the present”. It’s NOT THAT EASY. Diminishing the valid feelings of those who often have to suffer in silence is not something that sits well with me. It’s hard enough to allow those feelings to come to the surface, let alone feel comfortable enough with anyone to actually allow the words of pain to flow out of ones mouth. It’s a PRIVILEGE to listen to such agony. I don’t think it’s okay to interject comments telling someone to forget, move on and live in the present. It makes things worse.

I have reached out to some people that have caused me pain and forever haunt me in my memories and I was unsuccessful. I also was left feeling as though what happened was my fault. I do my best to cope.

Forgiveness is so much harder than its made out to be and it has stages that are very similar to grief. I would say that one of my biggest faults or personality flaws would be the severity of my anxiety. Many thoughts continue to haunt me, not only during my waking hours but even during my sleep.

I’m talking about those nights where my mind and my heart feel like they are racing in unison.

Trying to fall asleep, I toss and turn. Sometimes, I wake up at 3am and lay there, trying so hard to go back and sleep peacefully when my mind is at war with it’s self. My body becomes warm, clammy and my night sweats are the worst. I try to find something to think about or something to do. If one of my cats happens to be awake I will gravitate towards them; their soft hair, their therapeutic purring – it helps me stay mindful, it’s calming, it puts me at ease.

Every day is a new chapter but my story starts with pain and my book is still being written. There’s still a chance for happiness.


Advertisements

On a much lighter note

These are my TOP FIVE favourite Cat videos. I figured i’d mix it up a little bit and infuse a little bit of humour on my blog. Enjoy!

New ABOUT ME video!

I’m honestly not sure if my microphone even worked, it was plugged in.. Hopefully the sound is okay for my viewers!

 

Constantly Changing

IMG_2529

I’m still heeeeeerreee guys!

Yes, I coloured my hair. Originally I wanted to try to match my dark brown roots but nope, the box colour was actually black. That’s okay though! I think it suits me. I also chopped my bangs. I have a few stray hairs and my fringe isn’t totally straight. I’m always doing something new and I get bored of how I look quite often.

We saw Bohemian Rhapsody and it was such an enjoyable film. I loved the story, the music and also all the cats. I’m almost certain Rami Malek is going to get some nominations – he was incredible.

I was interviewed by the sensory matters podcast and it should go live at the very end of the year/beginning of next year. I will post a reminder.

BONUS – Cute pictures of my cats!

I’m Childfree.

Hjkzs1539701025

When I was younger, other kids would play with dolls. I didn’t care for them. I had no instinct to play with toys that were reminiscent of future motherhood. I preferred hot wheels, crazy bones, reading books and once in a while I pulled the heads off my sisters Barbie dolls. When I got older, Pokemon was all the rage and you’d often find me on my lime green game boy colour. The motherly instinct never arrived and I was completely fine by that.


I was with my family at an outdoor square yesterday and as everyone was conversing, there was this lady with her crying infant. The screams tore through me like the feeling of walking on shards of glass. It was immensely painful to listen to. I couldn’t take the shrill, repetitive noises. I felt just as though I was going to get the worst migraine ever. I started feeling anxious, panicked and ready to leave. At this point, I wished I had a pair of some really good sound cancelling headphones or a pair of earplugs that filter all the sound out. My sensitivity to loud noises was being tested and I was feeling very frantic. I just wanted it to stop, so badly.

hands black and white fingers palm

Photo by Josie Stephens on Pexels.com

I have never seen myself as a Mother. Hell, I don’t even consider myself very feminine.

Having a child and having those responsibilities is something that shouldn’t be taken lightly. There’s a lot of financial resources needed and a lot of time, effort and stress – none of which I even would remotely ever want to take on. I am happy being an Aunt to two wonderful kids.

I also absolutely love, love, love my rescue cats. They fill any kind of need I may have to be nurturing, without making me compromise who I am. I love their pink jellybean toes, cute noses and small tiger-like qualities. They are my little house lions.

IMG_2326

It’s not like I don’t support other people’s children. (Doesn’t even matter if I want to or not) It’s mandatory as it is included in taxes which are then given back in the forms of tax rebates if you have children.  There are also a lot of politicians touting free childcare as part of their campaign promises to lure voters.

girl crying on woman s lap

Photo by Silvia Trigo on Pexels.com

This will NEVER be me – and I am beyond pleased to say it.


For more reading on this subject, please check out:

Interested in supporting me?

art sale

Are you interested in buying art? Do you know someone who is?

Please share! Price reflected in image is for shipping within the USA through USPS.

If you’re local to Vancouver/Surrey/Langley I have some lower priced options and I will meet up with you. Payment would be in Canadian dollars.

Meowbox Unboxing // Art Pictures!

Figured i’d put these together in one post!

Thank you MEOWBOX, you made Buddy & Ruby so happy.

 

 

Here’s some of my art, each and every piece is up for sale so feel free to contact me if you’re interested:

Photo Update

My mood has been absolutely awful lately so I haven’t been able to get any words out. I still don’t feel like I can write anything in an adequate fashion….so here’s some photos of new things instead!

IMG_2074Screen Shot 2018-09-11 at 11.04.51 PMIMG_2072DSCF3556

 

 

My experience at Langley Arts Alive as an Autistic Artist

Arts Alive 3rd Graphic

I want to start out this post by thanking Langley’s own Randy Caine, founder of Hempyz for sponsoring me by giving me the opportunity to have a booth to showcase my art and my even bigger message about being Autistic.

I got dropped off at around 8:05 and got some great help setting up the tent, table and chairs (thanks to Randy again) and then I began setting my art up . Truth be told, I have little experience (other then those two times I set up outside Arts off Main) but I focused and got myself motivated.

Nothing was priced yet. I grabbed some spiky-oval type fluorescent paper cut outs I had got from Dollarama and used some washi (rice paper tape) that was fairly low tack and folded little circles that I affixed to the corner of some of my pieces. Depending on how the art was set up, my placement varied. I had purchased them ages ago and was pleased to actually use something I bought! (Artists and crafters know this can be a rare occurrence!!)

IMG_1352IMG_1356

I honestly don’t know why i’m holding my wrist in this shot, I think it was my nerves getting the best of me.

I reorganized my table several times. I did sell a few small items, magnets being the most popular. I’m not sure if i’ll want to do this kind of thing again for a few reasons but if I do I would focus more on small 5.00 items like the magnets–a proven seller. They seem to be a way to get people to display my art in the easiest way possible, displayed on their fridge!

I felt lucky to have started the conversation about Autism by having my banner up and my information signs.

IMG_1353

If anything my sign on the left would stop people as they were walking by. I feel like I met some incredible individuals by really putting myself out there. Some of the connections I made were absolutely invaluable. Of course, with all that positivity I did hear some ones’ negative comments to their spouse while walking by, but I had to try to breathe and relax.

Another highlight was meeting my Autistic inspiration Amythest Schaber. They are responsible for making informative and insightful videos and blog posts that help educate those who are neurotypical and even those on the spectrum. I believe everyone would benefit from spending time watching the videos.

Cats were the most popular, I SHOULD HAVE FIGURED! I’m not the only Cat-obsessed weird individual out there, I suppose.

Nothing will stop me from making Art. I will NEVER stop being Autistic.

-Margaux

Sewing!

With the help of my Mother and youtube, I have been taking up sewing. I’m a complete amateur with a whole lot to learn but my ideas are, quite literally, BURSTING-AT-THE-SEAMS! I purchased a Brother sewing machine a while back from Costco and dug up some thrifted zippers out of storage. I got some placemats and fabric from thrift stores and thread from Walmart! I also got some raw canvas from DeSerres and here’s what i’ve made so far.

I’ve been told that inserting zippers is the hardest part, but honestly – it’s been the easiest! I definitely need to get some Fray-stop, some D rings, more zippers, some wonder clips and a rotary cutter. I’m trying to keep it all organized and put together. It’s really fun being able to combine my art with sewing. IMG_0248.jpeg

I also happen to have a pretty cute audience too!

-Margaux