Reliving my (painful) past

I want to preface this post by saying that these are things i’ve experienced and at the time of writing this, I do not have a PTSD diagnosis. I, in no way, want to make those with a proper diagnosis feel less than or devalued in any way.

Often times I find myself in these dizzying spells with negative thoughts running rampant. They flood my mind: terrible, painful memories that I wish would vanish.

Discovering deceased pets, multiple instances of being bullied which included: thumbtacks, sharp side up- They would be left on my chair with an audience that consisted of my entire class, watching and waiting to see if I would notice and sit on it, purposely having dodgeballs thrown at my face, having friends-of-friends find out personal details about me and they would attempt to humiliate and berate me based on it, being excluded from birthday parties, having the whole class turn against me while the teacher was out of the room – that’s just some of the bullying that occurred during my elementary school years. Can’t forget the workplace bullying with all kinds of instances that included customers yelling at me, management making me cry or not believing things I say (I am very honest) and being fired – which was one of the most humiliating things i’ve ever lived through, co-workers being nasty to me for reasons i’ll never know.

I also can’t forget all the things my Father did: the daily verbal abuse, screaming so loud that you could hear him down the block, chasing me to my bedroom and holding the door closed so I couldn’t leave, yelling at me for questioning things he said and having friends witness his emotionally destructive behaviour which was embarrassing and continued to pile the stress on top of me. 

This is just a small portion of the hundreds, maybe thousands of memories that flow through my mind.

Even though I had the support of my Sisters and my Mum, I still felt so alone and depressed. I didn’t think I would survive so I failed to look after myself. I think sadness was one of the first emotions I remember experiencing.

I want these painful memories to subside. Easier said than done. I can’t seem to shake off things that happened as far back as I can remember. 

People often say things like “Forgive and forget”, “don’t dwell on your past”, “move on” and “live in the present”. It’s NOT THAT EASY. Diminishing the valid feelings of those who often have to suffer in silence is not something that sits well with me. It’s hard enough to allow those feelings to come to the surface, let alone feel comfortable enough with anyone to actually allow the words of pain to flow out of ones mouth. It’s a PRIVILEGE to listen to such agony. I don’t think it’s okay to interject comments telling someone to forget, move on and live in the present. It makes things worse.

I have reached out to some people that have caused me pain and forever haunt me in my memories and I was unsuccessful. I also was left feeling as though what happened was my fault. I do my best to cope.

Forgiveness is so much harder than its made out to be and it has stages that are very similar to grief. I would say that one of my biggest faults or personality flaws would be the severity of my anxiety. Many thoughts continue to haunt me, not only during my waking hours but even during my sleep.

I’m talking about those nights where my mind and my heart feel like they are racing in unison.

Trying to fall asleep, I toss and turn. Sometimes, I wake up at 3am and lay there, trying so hard to go back and sleep peacefully when my mind is at war with it’s self. My body becomes warm, clammy and my night sweats are the worst. I try to find something to think about or something to do. If one of my cats happens to be awake I will gravitate towards them; their soft hair, their therapeutic purring – it helps me stay mindful, it’s calming, it puts me at ease.

Every day is a new chapter but my story starts with pain and my book is still being written. There’s still a chance for happiness.


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Contradiction

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Photo by 42 North on Pexels.com

The fact that people believe that LGBTQ2+ is a completely separate issue from being autistic blows my mind.

inclusion is inclusion.

diversity is diversity.

You can’t rally for one group and marginalize the other.

-How I feel about this whole Laurie Guerra issue and the comments here.

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Laurie Guerra, AUTISM BC + ANTI-SOGI

This is happening:

Laurie Guerra, Director of AUTISMBC spoke out at an ANTI-SOGI Event.

She is a bigot. To deny the rights of the LGBTQ2+ Community and work at a place where you are promoting inclusion and diversity and then turn around and make hateful comments is not acceptable.

Please share & sign the petition:

https://www.change.org/p/autism-bc-remove-laurie-guerra-from-her-board-director-position-with-autism-bc

UPDATE: I spoke up against Laurie on twitter and she blocked me. If this is how she handles things–with ignorance leading the way, she does not deserve to be in a place of power in any sense of the word.

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According to this website, Laurie makes over 400,000 annually.

It must be nice to make that kind of money and not have to worry about the consequences of hateful, homophobic speeches.

 

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Laurie Guerra’s Socials:

AutismBC:

New ABOUT ME video!

I’m honestly not sure if my microphone even worked, it was plugged in.. Hopefully the sound is okay for my viewers!

 

Interested in supporting me?

art sale

Are you interested in buying art? Do you know someone who is?

Please share! Price reflected in image is for shipping within the USA through USPS.

If you’re local to Vancouver/Surrey/Langley I have some lower priced options and I will meet up with you. Payment would be in Canadian dollars.

I am 30.

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My Birthday was a couple days ago and I felt as though a new decade in my life deserves a tribute.

 

This past year I have felt like a lot has changed. I’m not sure if it’s for the better or if it’s just me being a persistent piece of work. I don’t feel as though i’m any different than I was as a teenager. Perhaps less of a social circle, more angry and frustrated. Less energetic and definitely more anxious. Those are not the most positive attributes but I honestly believe that i’m trying to live my best life and create some social change.

This year, I was featured in a local newspaper earlier in September. I also have multiple speaking opportunities coming up and I have done nearly 50 collaborations with various brands and attractions. My traffic to my website has increased significantly from last year (1,454 visitors in 2017 and so far 5,243 this year, apparently that’s a 260 percent increase!) which, I firmly believe, is a true testament to my hard work and fierce diligence.

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Photo by Lum3n.com on Pexels.com

I am able to express myself through art, writing, videos, and podcasts. I always said I wanted to start a blog and I feel that I am finally in the right headspace to contribute my voice to a bigger cause. I have only been diagnosed as an Autistic individual since I was 28 years old and now that i’m 30, the clarity and self-awareness continues to grow.

The hurdles I faced as an infant, child, teenager and now adult are just things I need to live with and I am so lucky to have some incredible people on this journey with me.

Older and wiser voices can help you find the right path, if you are only willing to listen.
-Jimmy Buffett

 

Kim’s Convenience

I would like to thank Pacific Theatre in Vancouver for giving me complimentary tickets in exchange for my review.

Kim’s Convenience should be considered a Canadian treasure at this point.

With the incredible success of the televised series on CBC, I felt as though it was important for me to see the stage version of which the show is based.

Written by Ins Choi, there is so much going for it. The brilliant acting, the storyline of immigrants finding their success in Canada, the multiculturalism and family relations, the point is really driven home; we all have our own stories to tell. The play revolves around Mr. Kim, a Korean Father of two and loving husband who runs his own convenience store in Toronto, Ontario.

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The audience gets to experience Mr Kim’s ups & downs, comedic banter and his strained relationship with his Son, Jung.

I laughed, I cried and I wholeheartedly felt that many people could relate to this very Canadian story.

Janet, Mr. Kim’s daughter is an aspiring photographer who grapples with the fact that the store may be her imminent future which leaves her with a bit of anger towards her father, who proves that he has done so much for her.

Being such a huge fan of the show, I really felt that this experience was part of my true fandom experience.

The television show is another thing that I would like to strongly advocate for, it’s on CBC (and Netflix) and has run for two seasons. Season three is coming up in January and I can not wait. My Boyfriend and I were first in line at the fan screening in Calgary.

You’ll see us 8-9 seconds in.

I also was overjoyed to see Paul Sun-Hyung Lee, Mr. Kim from the TV Show joining us for the performance at the theatre.

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Autism Speaks…..

…But apparently, they do not listen!

If you haven’t seen this, you should:

This whole thing is laughable at best.

I was interviewed by a local, community newspaper under the umbrella of black press media. The reporter was incredibly interested in my art, autism and my story.

I specifically told her about my disapproval of Autism Speaks and how their aim is to eradicate autistic individuals like myself. I told her how important this detail was in regards to my own journey.

Every so often, I find myself looking up the title of the article to see where it’s been posted.

To my surprise, a disgustingly sick feeling came over me, It has been posted on the Autism Speaks facebook page for all to see.

The VERY article that had this statement in it:

The goal, Wosk explained, is to help people become more educated about autism — that’s why she spends much of her online time being an activist for autistic people and protesting against organizations like Autism Speaks, which Wosk said spend more time looking to eliminate autism rather than support autistic people.

It had been up for 2 hours with over 40 likes and 2 shares.

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I don’t think any of those Autism Speaks supporters (or even Autism Speaks themselves) even bothered to read my article, because if they did, they wouldn’t have posted anything with an unfavorable mention.

This begs the even larger question of the importance of autistic opinions. I believe that when it all comes down to it, it’s that money rules and we don’t matter.

This was certainly not my first online encounter with this greedy “charity”. Nope. Autism Speaks Canada actually e-mailed me once trying to tell me all the things they do. TELLING me is important to note because they failed to read or even address anything I had said.

 

In conclusion:

Autism Speaks wants to replace and eliminate us. Our voices are not worthy or important to them.

September 1st: New art!

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-Margaux

TUBIFY Freezies Taste Test!!

Thank you TUBIFY for giving Justin & I this opportunity to try your delicious, organic, refreshing freezies. Watch my video below!

For more information about Tubify, Visit Tubify.ca

-Margaux