My SSRI Story

SSRI stands for Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors.

Simply put: Antidepressants.

joshua-coleman-623113-unsplash.jpgJOSHUA COLEMAN

The last week or two of September were exceptionally cruel to me and even still the withdrawal symptoms linger. I have been strongly against taking these pills ever since I was a child. My childhood Psychologist would constantly mention these as an option to help curb my mood disorders and I was always hesitant and frustrated. I would put up a fight till my eyes were read and tears were streaming down my face.

This was not something I wanted to do. I did not want to partake in taking pharmaceuticals to help me. I didn’t even like taking Tylenol for any generalized pain.

I felt like being alive was bad enough;

I might as well suffer.

Fast forward to now and I still feel like a shell of myself. I’m always worried about the actions of other people and how they create a lasting impression on me. If someone says something rude, I dwell on it. I ask myself repeatedly why they did that and I start to feel unwell about it. I negatively obsess.

My activism, coupled with the horrible emails I receive from companies, corporations and wealth management companies make my mood worsen. I try to focus on the bigger picture and the hopes of creating a positive impact through my own pain and the pain and misunderstanding associated with my peers in the #actuallyautistic community.

I just can’t deal with anything very well.

I have tried three types of pills: Escitalopram (Cipralex/Lexapro), Sertraline (Zoloft) & Venlafaxine (Effexor XR) with absolutely no positive experiences.

The Cipralex left me feeling very hollow, very distracted and very much like I was just dragging myself to do anything – although, out of the three I tried, it worked the best.

The Zoloft didn’t seem to do much at all.

The Effexor XR just made me feel really unwell and my mood was worsened so, I decided to just stop without tapering off. The withdrawal effects were worse than what I expected. Sweats, vomiting, car sickness, the worst nausea I have felt in what seems like forever and a “shaky brain” feeling. There was also a strong need for a whole lot of sleep.

I went to another appointment to my Psychiatrist and it didn’t go particularly well.  He is incredibly dismissive and has me in and out of his office in 5 minutes or less.

He asks me questions completely unrelated to my suffering:

“How are your parents?”, he asked.

“Well, I don’t REALLY talk to my Dad… so.. yeah. My Mom is fine though.. but why didn’t you just increase my dose of Cipralex?”

“Oh, If it wasn’t working at that dose then it’s unlikely it will work at a higher dose.” He then followed that statement up with another unrelated comment.

The sense of defeat and the dark cloud over me seemed to take on more rain at that instant.  It’s apparent, This person, this professional, this DOCTOR who is supposed to help me just wants me out of his office as fast as possible. I like to call them “Fast Food Doctors” because you’re in and you are out very quickly so the Doctor can see more patients and make more money in a shorter amount of time.

My depression and anxiety make my already intense light sensitivity and poor balance much worse. I often feel like I’m going to faint or fall over and my heart starts beating a mile a minute.

What now?

Well, I can’t even work. How am I supposed to get anything done when I just am running out of viable options? I can’t afford to get any kind of mental health assistance where I can talk to a psychologist. That’s not in the cards for me.

 

 

Disclaimer: Please don’t take my article for professional advice. If these medications worked for you then I wholeheartedly commend you on your successful wellness journey. These are my own personal experiences and do not necessarily reflect my readers mental health/wellness plan.
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Featured in The Peace Arch News & Cloverdale Reporter!

Read the article here https://www.peacearchnews.com/community/cloverdale-artist-finds-activism-for-autism-through-painting/

Photo Update

My mood has been absolutely awful lately so I haven’t been able to get any words out. I still don’t feel like I can write anything in an adequate fashion….so here’s some photos of new things instead!

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New Thrift Haul Video!

Would love if you could watch this & if you’re able to, please subscribe!

-Margaux

2 NEW Videos!

Don’t mind me.

Me

My imperfections are many. I have scars and zits on my face, I have gained weight, my teeth are not by-any-means perfect looking. I won’t smile with my mouth opened and my knees turn in to each other. My posture SUCKS and my back is constantly in pain.

Recently my Mom asked me if I had put on weight, I answered with a resounding “YES!! Didn’t you notice?”.

Yes, I’m overweight.

I’ve gone up 1 or 2 pant sizes (depending on the brand). I’m not sure if it’s from being fired last August or starting my Anti-Depressants not that long afterwards. It took me a very, very long time to come to terms with needing to take them. I believed, wholeheartedly, that they would hurt me. (I am not talking for anyone but myself.) I realized that they do help me. I’m not sure if it’s contributed to my weight gain or if having free sugary drinks during my work has instead. I need some self control but it’s hard, considering I have quite the sweet tooth.

My social life hasn’t grown at all and the fact that i’m pushing 30 doesn’t make me think that it’s ever going to change.

I do have something to look forward to, a few hotel collaborations and some product reviews coming up as well as a potential writing gig.

I’m still learning how to balance positivity in my life and it’s honestly a lot harder then I thought it ever would be. I’m trying to keep my mind open with a goal of positive personal growth.

-Margaux

New Videos: Chewigem & LipSense!

Oops! I posted these videos on youtube and of course, being slightly absent minded, I completely forgot to post them here.

So many NEW THINGS!

I have so many things to review (tea, beauty products etc) but I just haven’t had enough time or energy lately.

I did reserve some of my energy and I made this:

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I also got brand new glasses:

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I saved up some of my tips and dipped in to savings to get this:

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I’m SUPER amateur with sewing but I plan on getting some vintage fabric and secondhand supplies to teach myself the basics!

And my Boyfriend spoiled our cats and got them this amazing tree:

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I’m also coming up on my 6 month anniversary with work and a cool vacation i’m going to document on my blog!

Thanks for all your incredible support as well.

-Margaux

Sweets from the Earth: Cookie Taste Test!

I want to thank the very kind folks at Sweets from the Earth for providing me and my Boyfriend this AMAZING opportunity to try their Vegan Cookies.

They have such a wide variety of products and information on their website, https://sweetsfromtheearth.com as well as a handy store finder at the top right corner.

You can also buy them from Well.ca

A lot of their products are “free from” different allergens. These cookies are specifically nut free.

They have such a wide variety of products and here’s some great properties:

  • ALL NATURAL
  • 100% VEGAN
  • GMO FREE
  • DAIRY & EGG FREE
  • SESAME, PEANUT & NUT FREE
  • WHEAT & GLUTEN FREE
  • ETHICALLY CRAFTED
  • LACTOSE FREE
  • CHOLESTEROL FREE
  • NO REFINED SUGARS
  • NON-HYDROGENATED
  • 0 TRANS FATS
  • LOW IN SATURATED FAT
  • NO ARTIFICIAL COLOURS
  • NO ARTIFICIAL FLAVOURS
  • NO PRESERVATIVES

Keeping my values in check.

Photo on 2018-02-26 at 8.19 AM

I’m almost gritting my teeth as I write this. It’s always experiences that prompt me to go on these informative rants (if you want to call it that) and let it all flow.

I was recently contacted by someone who runs a charity event to benefit a local Autism Centre. She asked me if there was any way I wanted to be involved and immediately I got quite defensive and a bit angry. I should have controlled my emotions a bit better but it was seemingly obvious that she had not viewed any of my content prior to contacting me.

She told me they raised over 200,000 in the past for this centre with their different events. That’s all well and good until you see who one of the main sponsors is for the centre.

AUTISM SPEAKS CANADA.

Anyone who knows me or has viewed my content has probably seen how outspoken I am against them. Just look up “Boycott Autism Speaks”  on google and you’ll yield 266,000 results! There are plenty of reasons as to why I will not be involved in ANYTHING that is remotely linked to them. I have values and self-respect.

The conversation went like this:

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Do you really want to help the Autistic community? I’m always quite disheartened by the fact that so many of these opportunities are laden with no information OR misinformation. It makes getting the message of advocacy/activism/equality/rights much harder to convey.

If you want to donate funds, here’s some things you can do:

  • Contact your local Autistic Meetup group and ask what they need
  • Support Autistic individuals by purchasing their art or offerings
  • Make a donation to http://autisticadvocacy.org

If you are reading this and you have more ideas of what would be essential to my list, please leave a comment or get in touch.

Margaux