I really want to thank my sweet buyer in Britain for purchasing my piece of Art! It really makes me feel so nice that there are people out there who enjoy the pieces my soul creates. I have been told recently that my Art made someone “sick” and I have also been told in the past that someone couldn’t talk to me or associate themselves with me because they didn’t like my art work. It’s hard but I have to focus on the positives!
I recently completed this “nameless” piece of art but it is depicting some trees, a river and a haphazard sunset or sunrise. I’m never too sure about it!
This week was particularly rough on me. The hours were long and my patience was waning. I don’t think people can understand what it’s like to have an Autistic Shutdown unless they’ve been there before. I am incredibly thankful to my partners at work who were supportive and modified my tasks to make them easier for me to handle. The positive affirmation and kindness goes a very long way and I am grateful.
I have a very long to do list and tackling it will be a challenge. I have today and the next three days off so there is time for contemplation, cleaning and mentally delegating tasks to where it becomes manageable. I often wonder what it would be like to have an active social life and friends but part of me feels like my Cats and my Boyfriend (oh, and family, of course) are more than enough for me.
I find long messages intimidating and I have to be in the right head space to handle it. That’s not to say I can’t respond, I just have to find the correct mental state to breathe deeply and think rationally. Most of the time my thinking is quite abstract and lately I’ve wanted to put my pens to paper and just release the subconscious, colourful flow.
There are parts of me that feel invisible and parts of me that stick out like a sore thumb. I’m a Libra, dammit! Where’s my balance?
I tweeted this out yesterday and I am still feeling the same way today.
Explaining it to people is devastatingly hard. I commend the attempt at understanding but unless you’ve experienced it yourself, you never know. For me, the exhaustion kicks in, both mentally and physically. The light sensitivity happens and being able to see gets increasingly difficult. Trying to be social is virtually impossible and continues to drain energy that is barely left. I get goosebumps, I physically look ‘drained’. My attempt at tasks that require my fine motor skills becomes a course in ‘how many times can I fail?’
Autistic burnout isn’t a made up thing- I just wish it was easier to explain to people. It’s not an excuse and it’s not like I consciously (or unconsciously) decided to be perceived as lazy or unreliable. There’s such thing as ‘too much’ and I feel as though that’s where i’m at.
This happens to me, and i’ve documented it before:
When I realized that Autism Speaks slogan was “It’s time to listen”, my heart sank.
I honestly felt like I broke in to a thousand little pieces that no one could pick up. It was the feeling of grief. The more I research, the more I realize how much Autistic voices matter.
The CEO of Autism Speaks is someone who has experience managing different health related foundations. Her name is Angela Geiger. As far as I can tell – She is NOT Autistic.
Autism Speaks Canada is headed up by Jill Farber and she has spent 15 years as a private consultant specializing in ABA. She is NOT Autistic.
It’s important for the verbal portion of the Autism community to speak up for not only us but for our nonverbal brothers and sisters. After all, we know best. This is who we are in every aspect of our being.
Wouldn’t it be nice for Autism Meetup groups and self-advocacy networks to have funding and get provided devices and tools to make life easier? Frustratingly enough, most companies need a “front” to do so. By that I mean a “charitable” organization with whom to “partner” with so it looks like they’re doing a DAMN amazing thing to benefit those who need it most. Why can’t they do it without the publicity or without a partnership? Money- simply put! Advertising is key. Looking good to those who are uneducated on the subject increases profit margins and a veil of “doing good”.
I got all dressed up and we got some delicious, reasonably priced sushi from Sushi Mania in Vancouver. It was an exciting day. My Sister is 1/2 of the duo Hollow Twin and my Boyfriend and I enjoyed the album release show at The Biltmore. It was a stellar evening. The performance was enjoyable and gave me goosebumps.
I also made some very new art. I am not sure if i’m done because i’m so fixated on the fact that the grass isn’t uniform and that I haven’t used enough white outlines.
Beyond that, i’m trying to stay very positive and motivated to create more Art and trying to get it in to more people’s homes. I have many ambitions but I need the finances to keep going. Having my job is essential but not exactly sufficient enough. I can’t over work myself either!
I’ve been asked numerous times “Where can I buy your art?” and I just haven’t felt like putting that out there.. until now. I’m not really sure what was holding me back, part of me feels like that’s because determining a price is very difficult. I have four items up right now and the prices are all varied. If there’s something you’re interested in or would like to special order from me, please let me know and i’ll do my very best to accommodate.
I believe we should get to the point where talking about our mental health is a regular thing we can participate in and completely free of judgment. I don’t believe it is right to capitalize on mental health/wellness/illness for financial gain. I also don’t think it should be segregated to one day of the year that is decided on by a multi-billion dollar telecommunications giant.
Let’s talk about it, I think we need a new hashtag.
Disclaimer: This is my own opinion and should not reflect the brands or companies I have graciously partnered with.