I added to my anxiety today and it was my own fault. At this moment I am waiting for a bus and the sun is beaming down on the back of my legs. This long awaited warmth is not eclipsing my overwhelming feel of regret and embarrassment.
I learned a very big lesson today: I don’t ever have to apologize for offending people in regard to my strong, personal beliefs.
Today I ran in to someone who, if I remember correctly, stopped talking to me because of my very strong beliefs that are aligned with something called “population matters”. I hold very strong viewpoints that are aligned with both the childfree movement and the overpopulation one as well. I am very aware that these are polarizing issues that not everyone is going to agree with but I expect my Facebook to be a safe space to discuss these topics.
I, stupidly and regrettably tapped them on the shoulder and APOLOGIZED for how it made them feel and they told me they didn’t agree with me. I said its hard to do activism work with strong views, congratulated them (on marriage) and they clearly were not comfortable being around me. I went to a different section of the store even though they happened to be in the aisle I wanted to be in and came back to that aisle at the other side. Not long after they went to another section of the store and completely disappeared.
I should have just avoided them and I don’t know why I was compelled to say something that I completely regret saying because I’m NOT sorry. My views are not going to change and I have carried them for as long as I can remember. Maybe this is the way that life filters out who should be in your life and who shouldn’t be.
Its incredibly hard to think on my feet, I feel better when I can type and formulate thoughts. Its easier for me and it allows me to be organized.
Writing about this does help ease my anxiety and I have connected with other Autistic people who hold the same beliefs. Some people are just not as forthcoming about it as I am.
I do try to makes point of warning people or letting others know that I feel this way so if they do end up seeing the things I write, that they are prepared for it and that they know who I am and what views I hold. I have been trying to increase my Autistic friends on facebook but it’s hard because I don’t think everyone knows what they are getting themselves involved with. I actually had to already get rid of people and delete comments because they just didn’t understand where I was coming from.
I also want to thank my new acquaintances and friends who can see past my views and continue a relationship with me, even if they do not agree with me. I think that we need to acknowledge that there is such a thing as diverse thinking and that there are people who do care about the planet even if it’s not in a mainstream fashion.
We all need our thoughts challenged and shaken up every so often. I need to start picking and choosing when saying sorry is appropriate and in this situation, it wasn’t. Sorry? Not sorry.