That feeling.

That foreboding feeling… or is it anxiety? I can’t seem to distinguish which is which. This tightness in my chest just seems to be getting worse. My appetite and self-care are no better. Cocoa Puffs in soy milk and vegan jerky was what was on the menu today. Not the most wholesome of foods, but hell, I can’t even think of cramming food in to my mouth. That’s just not happening!!!

I already felt terrible before that event happened and everything seemed to feel like it was crashing down all around me. I may have felt terrible then, but now I feel infinitely worse. Worse than terrible? I can’t even find a word that begins to convey how i’m feeling.

I finally showered. That alone makes me feel like a gold star would be suitable but clearly, I don’t deserve awards or any kind of accolades. Ceasing to exist is just one of my many conundrums in life. I can’t even fathom how i’ve made it this far….

Interpersonal relationships? Let’s honestly forget about that for a moment…forget about it?! I can’t forget. I can’t seem to take my mind off of it. This fight is constant and it’s raw, it’s consistent. I have this feeling I just can’t shake and I wouldn’t even know where to begin. I can’t stop replaying the series of events that lead up to my feeling of demise. It just keeps playing over, and over again. Anything that seems to happen against me and not in my favour is on intense, blaring repeat. This dance is SURELY going to be a drag.

I feel like I want to scream, I want to shout out loud. HELP ME. Help me figure this out, help me figure out what I am capable of, because I thought I was capable of SO MUCH MORE and that’s just not true. I want to hide, I want to fade in to oblivion.

Part of me wishes I could just be someone else and have a complete do-over…

This is not the movies, i’m not a star & it’s not happening.


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